Now, I know what you’re thinking. “John, I have statistics that prove…” “John, government analysis says…” “John, the results say you ARE the father…” But you know what? I don’t want to hear it. You see, we have here one Tom Bosley (TOM BOSLEY!) who backs up all this, lending his name to the Specialty Merchandise Corporation (SMC) and I’m sure as hell not going to let you call Mr. C a liar.

Sadly, our host for this pitch is not Tom Bosley (TOM BOSLEY!) himself but a Drew Carey lookalike who I’m sure is not Drew Carey (and in fact, I can’t find a name for him at all, to my eternal shame). But first we’re asked some very important questions. Would you like to make more money? Hell yeah! Would you like to work your own hours? Well, duh. Would you like to spend more time with your family? …

I guess two out of three isn’t bad.

Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks! Ohio-o-o-o-o...

Not Drew Carey (which I will call him for the remainder of this article) assures us SMC carries high demand items that are guaranteed to make you money. These include those perennial money spinners; frosted glass golfers and plaster dolphins. Not Drew then reiterates, this is an easy to get into, guaranteed to be successful business before palming us off to Kerry Cox, Vice President Marketing.

Now, while I’m one billion percent sure that Kerry Cox is a porn moniker (and I’m pretty sure I’ve seen most of her work), sadly this Kerry Cox is a small bearded man who tells us important, but uninteresting, things like that SMC has over 3,000 items to sell. He also gives us a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it scrolling list of places to sell this cheap mass-produced crap lovingly hand-crafted Americana including “Home Parties” (“Happy Birthday! Those plates you’re eating off of? 20 bucks, please.”) and “Kiosk” (Yeah, just let me get my kiosk out of the closet and I’ll start. Would anyone buy a ceramic horse from a kiosk? Really?).

Kerry also promises us a Personal Business Coach To Help You Succeed!, showing us a picture of an old man on a phone with a certificate in the background. So you know he has his BS in Personal Business Coach and didn’t just fall into the career right out of high school. We’re also informed that SMC will ship the items directly to your customer from their warehouse under your name, so they never know you’re grifting them making an honest profit.

While they don’t really focus on that point, this is really the core of the SMC theory. You will sell SMC items and pretend you got them from somewhere else. The customer, being none the wiser, thinks they are buying from a local business and you and Not Drew Carey split the profits (Of course, it doesn’t quite work out that way but even in this “perfect world” scenario there’s a degree of dishonesty I find interesting).

I don't like SMC, but I'll say this. They have some serious balls.

We then move onto some success stories where I’m supposed to be empowered by the likes of Harvey Martin who somehow conspired to get himself burdened with $150,000 worth of credit card debt and then made easy money doing little to no work and now owns a helicopter and a dinosaur or some shit.

Back to Not Drew Carey as he tells us SMC gives us the power of an all powerful corporation into my puny mortal hands. You fools! Now I have the power! Bwahahaha! If only I had more weapons at my disposal than chintzy windmills and $10 razors. In fact, Not Drew Carey tells us, SMC’s prices are so low you’ll think they have brain damage (a little Simpsons reference there) that you can sell these products to wholesalers and still make fantastic profits.

After another testimonial, we’re introduced to SMC Business Coaches including Jeff Nelson, the very same old man shown in the photo earlier and Zoe Cain who tells us that SMC is the most amazing business opportunity out there, surely earning herself an angry rebuttal from Jeff Paul and John Beck.

SMC Success Story Bill Romine tells us how he rented a corner of an antique shop (…) and started making money hand over fist before opening up, like, nine stores of his own over south California. And now he’s rich, successful but still has a truly ghastly ponytail. Money can’t buy class, you see.

This isn't the worst hair in the world, but it's up there.

As they shill the phone number, Tom Bosley (TOM BOSLEY!) finally appears to tell me to pick up the phone, I have nothing to lose (and everything to gain), et cetera. This is obviously cribbed from the much earlier versions of these infomercials which Tom Bosley (TOM BOSLEY!) did in fact appear on. I wonder why he’s not there in person any more.

Drew then gives us the cliff notes version of SMC history. Apparently it was founded over 50 years ago with the sole purpose of helping ordinary slobs like you make money. Wow, these guys need a Nobel Prize or Sainthood or something! Even Mother Teresa only fed the poor. Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Allow a man to rent a corner of an antique store and sell scented candles and he’ll eat for a lifetime, while relaxing in his beach house in Panama.

Another testimonial comes from one Mario Sanchez. It’s all very rags to riches stuff. Mario was a waiter, he saw an SMC infomercial, he made $1,000 in his first day. Now he has three stores and employs child labour as the screenshot below will show you. He also imparts to us the secret of success; be your own boss and have fun. Like hell I will.

Drew tells us that SMC gives us the bessssst of both worlds, chillin’ out, take it slow then you rock out the show! You get the best of both worl– sorry. He doesn’t tell us what he means by this, just yakking about how many places you can start at and how cheap it is to get in to this wonderful business opportunity (as little as under $25 and a few decades worth of hard selling phone calls exclusive offers (Man, I’m getting good use out of the strikethrough button today) that just happen to cost a hell of a lot more than 25 buckaroos).

You get the best of both worlds! When you employ under age you can pay under minimum wage!

We return to Kerry Cox (Vice President Marketing, not adult movie star) who tells us more about how wonderful their business coaches are before telling us some of their customers are making money and still don’t know how to sell (!). Now that’s good coaching (It is for SMC because the coaching is only free for the first 60 days so actually teaching you anything before you pony up some ludicrous training fee is out of the question).

Yet another terminally boring testimonial comes and goes wherein Louise and Steve White opened up a coffee shop (what’s wrong with calling it a café anyway?) but it tanked until they started selling SMC products. They should have just got some Wi-Fi and a two cup minimum, I say. Get in some beatniks, have a poetry jam (or slam or yam or whatever the hell they call it) and you’re set.

Back to Not Drew and he tells us that SMC shows us “nearly a dozen” ways to make money with a small business. Nearly a dozen? What the hell is that? 11? 10? Just tell me the damn number, Not Drew, there’s hardly an infinite amount of possibilities of what “nearly a dozen” means, it’s either 12 or it’s not!

A final testimonial comes to us from Frank Williams, who looks like Guile from Street Fighter in 30 years or so. Frank realised that when he retired, he wouldn’t have quite the same money making opportunities as when he was gainfully employed. Okay, he only figured this out AFTER he had been retired for some time but the point is he got there in the end and it’s not like it was a race or anything anyway so lay off him, all right!?

Can you imagine trying to sell dozens of these? How about half a dozen? One? Me neither.

Frank explains that he’s not a people person, but he lays his products out on the street (in between street fighting, I presume) and they sell themselves. Score one for sentient wooden birdhouses earning you profits while you throw sonic booms all over the place.

We finally near the end of this drek by returning to Not Drew Carey who offers up this zen line “If you never change what you do, nothing will ever change.” Which is a crock of shit but it would make a good wall scroll. Hell, SMC probably sell them to you and tell you you’ll be making 300% profit on each one you sell!

Not Drew implores me to start making a better life for me (and my family but, frankly, nuts to them) and so I do, by switching off. Wow, thanks! I feel better already! Aw, there’s more? Dang. ANOTHER testimonial comes on from one Faye Galbreath. Faye Is-that-a-real-last-name-seriously sells her stuff at parties, apparently and I’m still not sure how that works. HAI COME TO MY PARTY AND LET ME SELL YOU KNICK-KNACKS FOR 300% MORE THAN THE WHOLESALE COST THX THERE IS NO FOOD

Oh god, there’s more testimonials. They just keep coming. Linda and Chuck Nichols, they sell their wares at flea markets. They make $2,000 a day, which sounds impressive but they reveal they only do this two days a year, at the big flea markets. I know $4,000 is nothing to be sneezed at, but it’s not a good annual income. Chuck then says he plans to make $20,000 a year which I’d like to see considering he only works two days a year and has an awful baseball cap.

A note for future carvers; Ducks do not have corners

We’re back to Not Drew and oh please, please let this end. He tells us someone just like you was watching this, then they made a phone call and now have posted one of several hundred angry rants about SMC’s shoddy business practices and the like on infomercial watchdog websites are rich beyond their wildest dreams. Not Drew tells us it wasn’t the lottery or magic that made these people rich, pissing off state government and Miss Cleo before passing us off to Kerry Cox AGAIN!

Kerry tells us about how they’ve really “fleshed out” their internet marketing program. The internet, apparently, is the “new frontier for marketers.” Just to remind you all, this IS still 2009 and you haven’t fallen into a wormhole to 1996. Kerry tells us that even the lone operator working out of their apartment has “every bit as much of a chance as the big guy when you’re on the internet.” It’s like he’s never even SEEN the internet!

We finally wrap things up with a slew of 10-second testimonials that just throw a bunch of numbers at you and are designed to have your greed overwhelm your judgement and to make that all important, no obligation phone call as soon as possible. Not Drew Carey appears one more time to tell us to take action, to work hard and make a better life for ourselves and our children, to live the American Dream. By working two hours a day selling trinkets at ghastly inflated prices.

What happened to the American Dream? You're living in it!

Now that’s symbolism for you.

The one casualty in all of this, however, is the food. You made it. Or ordered it. Or didn’t really request it at all but someone else in your home slapped it down in front of you anyway. Now you’re not eating it and it’s going to turn into a small fungus farm until you dispose of it. Starving children in African would love to be in your shoes, you know, they only get to handle them while stitching them together for 4 cents a year.

But while you can’t help starving tykes in Africa (well, you can, but why bother?), you can help the food on your plate with the FoodSaver Vacuum Saver, the saver of food. It’s kind of like Baywatch, but for pork chops.

Air is the enemy! Kill a tree today!

Now, you might be thinking “Hey, I have foil, that does the job, right?” and you’d be right, unless you want to keep your food for a year or two. You see, just like we had the Soviets, the Japanese, the Spanish and the French, we have found a new enemy to pin all our problems on; oxygen. Air is the enemy of freshness and it must be destroyed! We need non-breathing space!

With it’s “smart upright design” (?), the Food Saver also takes up less space. Than what? I don’t know, as they never tell you, but it takes up less space than something, god damn it. I’m already impressed. One testimonial even brags that they use their Food Saver more than their toaster. Get out! I don’t believe in nuthin’ no more! Want more proof, then we’re going to join a hungry family and not some actors as they put the Food Saver through its paces.

Our lovely couple, comprised of infomercial veteran Beau Rials and his wife Leane announce that the rest of the family has arrived just in time for their little experiment. While I’m picturing mass sexual deviancy or, more quaintly, alien anal probes, a wonderfully John McCain-like family member named Joe interrupts my train of thought with “An experiment? What are ya, a scientist!?” The sheer venom and hatred this man shows for science is fantastic. He is placated, however, when our female explains that this will help stretch the food budget further, allowing more ravenous feasts for all.

Anyway, Beau and Lanae bring out some stinky food they kept around for the sole purpose of showing it to family members. As everyone grosses out, Lanae brings out “the same food” (only, you know, different) but fresh thanks to the revolutionary, new, super, amazing, orgasm enducing FoodSaver Vacuum System (or as Beau ALWAYS calls it, the “FoodSaver Vacuum System with SmartSeal Technology). Judith, the non-male family member, wonders if it’s hard to use, but of course, Lanae assures her, and us, it’s not only easy but FUN too. Hooray!

What? All food from El Burrito Loco looks like that anyway.

They then bring out a batch of steaks and proclaim no-one, no way, no how, can eat all of these, so to save money, they’re going to vacuum seal them. Now you might be wondering why would they buy so much steak in the first place if they’re looking to save money (and no, there’s not enough there to suggest they bought it in bulk). Well, that’s a good question, moving on.

Okay, so this is how it works. You put the food in a bag, and the open end of the bag in the FoodSaver. The contraption then sucks out the air while making an almighty whirring noise that forces Beau to yell even more than he usually does. Then you wait until a light turns off, then you can remove it. Wow, that IS fun! It’s like a million blow jobs at the same time! Well, maybe it would feel like that if you actually put your tallywhacker in there. Try it sometime. (Disclaimer: Don’t try it sometime)

They then wail about their $15 worth of cheese being covered in mould. Dude, it’s cheese, half of the types of it is supposed to be mouldy anyway. Are you sure you just didn’t pick up some Stilton cheese or something? After some tedious cheese work involving unsealing, cutting and resealing, Beau quizzes Judith and awards her a (purely verbal) gold star.

Joe is almost impressed but preaches that he’s a hunter and a fisherman and there’s no way you can fit a grizzly bear or dolphin into this fancy east coast elitist FoodSaver thing. Luckily, Beau just happens to have two fresh identical unbagged pieces of fresh-cut king salmon on the table (!) so it’s time to have us a little race. Beau shows the bags can be as long as you want, although I’m not sure that will help Joe cram in a whole deer, as that’s what he likes to hunt. Anyway, spolier; FoodSaver wins, but not before Beau refers to bagging food as “arcane” (I guess he means archaic) and from “the dark ages.” Combining the two makes me think of something out of the Cthulu mythos or something, rather than poor food sealing skills.

'Joe, do you know who ate the cookies from the cookie jar?'

After some more testimonials and the price reveal (3 payments of $57.99!!), we return to find our quartet has become a quintet with the arrival of ever-smiling old biddy, Betty, and her banana bread, which she clutches to her bosom like a suckling child. My baby, don’t take away my baby! Beau and Joe get into an argument over whether the FoodSaver can crush cans by sucking the air out of a bag of them. Beau wins, of course, but the real winner is Joe as the blissful smile that creeps across his face observing this aluminium carnage is perverse in its creepiness. I’m pretty sure he needs a change of pants after that.

Betty proclaims this can crushing device has shown itself not to have the delicate touch that banana bread needs, or words to that effect. Beau and Lanae demand the banana bread to experiment on, shocking Betty to her core. With some gentle coaxing, Betty hands over her baby, which Beau then proceeds to slice up. You fool, Betty! This is why social services took away your first, actual child!

When the banana bread is perfectly preserved, however, Betty realises this will be great for her grandkids. Uh, because she can make even more bread, not because she wants to preserve them too. I hope. Now Judith wonders if she could afford this magical piece of kitchen-based amazement but Beau counters that, all together now, you can’t afford NOT to have the FoodSaver Vacuum System with SmartSeal Technology.

After some more general bragging, we’re told how it’s so easy to vacuum seal fresh coffee in specially made canisters. Joe is not outraged, much to my dismay. He should wailing on those fancy Ivy League dictators with their fresh, unpronounceable coffee. Cappuccino? What the hell is that? Foreign talk? Why don’t you go and shoot a deer like a real American, you SISSY!? In another batch of testimonials, one Terry Gritzan boasts about how nice the containers look stacked together. That’s very nice and all, but I don’t see what you’re trying to tell me, Terry.

Tomorrow's headline: Betty's Banana Bread Baby Baked by Beau

When we come back, a new member of the party, Alisa, walks in, saying, word for word “Hey, did I hear something about a FoodSaver system?” I don’t know, Alisa. Did you? It’s revealed Alisa actually has a FoodSaver Vacuum System with SmartSeal Technology, but that hers sucks compared to this version currently for sale right now. We now get the “endless possibilities” spiel where we can learn you can also vacuum seal things like spoons and money. Wow! Keep them spoons fresh!

Beau now reckons that Joe’s looking a mite peaky, so he fixes him up with a marinated steak. Just go with it, or we’ll be here all night. By sucking air out of a canister of meat and teriyaki sauce, the pores of the meat will be infused with teriyaki flavour, or something. Testimonial-ite Kate Stewart lets us know it cuts down on marinating time by “a zillion percent.” How many zeroes is that again? Back to Joe, who proclaims his newly marinated steak to be the best he ever tasted, which I thought surely can’t ALL be down to the marinating powers of the FoodSaver Vacuum System with SmartSeal Technology but that’s why I don’t work for NASA, I guess.

Wrapping things up, Beau reminds us we can’t negotiate the price of gasoline (unless you have a gun), but you can buy food on the cheap and preserve it. Everyone agrees that the FoodSaver is awesome and even Alisa agrees to upgrade as things come to a close with the usual final testimonials and shilling.

Even family reunions are falling prey to ethnic diversity!

One final thought. Alisa, the woman with an older FoodSaver, seems so impressed in this infomercial about how this device seals food and keeps its fresh. It makes you wonder, how bad was the old FoodSaver that this version seems so unrepentantly awesome? Maybe she bought a breadbox by mistake? Just a little something to think about.

The Magic Bullet returns, but it’s better than ever. Ingenious, but press shy, inventor Mick Hastie obviously knows no rest because after releasing his potentially fatal device he seemingly locked himself away looking for a way to make it even easier to maim those nearest and dearest to you. And at last, he succeeded.

The Magic Bullet To Go is an example of design genius. It is, basically, the Original Magic Bullet with a giant sturdy battery attached to the base. Now you don’t even have to be at home for some easily-equatable-to-a-vibrator action. Most of the old cast is back too but with some updates, so before we begin, let’s take a look at the cast list for the Magic Bullet To Go!

The Cast of the Magic Bullet To Go
	Mick Hastie. Trapped in his never-defined relationship with Mimi Umidon, Mick Hastie returns as ringleader of the Magic Bullet troupe and tries to convince us he’s a hiker. Yep. Eats lots of fart-inducing foods earning Mimi’s ire.
	Mimi Umidon. Who else could tell Mick Hastie that he’s overweight and enjoys too much curry powder? Also uses her powers to uncover lookalike Tina’s embarrassing secrets. Easily scares Dino with suggestions of omelettes and dessert.
	Berman. The horrifically alcohol dependant Berman staggers into the camp long enough to forget anything the Magic Bullet had done for him in their previous encounter. He also has sex with Hazel.
	Tina. Her excellent work as an overreacting tard obviously earned plaudits with Mick Hastie as Tina has now been promoted to ’stooge.’ Suddenly knowledgable and intelligent, she backs up the Magic Bullet at every turn while looking down her nose at her latest toy-boy, Dino.
	Hazel. Hazel returns! She was not originally invited on this trip, it seems, but actively hunted down Berman, presumably with the aid of a GPS, purely to have sex with him and borrow his socks. Is as gravel voiced as ever.
	Dino. Homeland Houseware’s policies against discrimination mean that Ike is out and Dino is Tina’s new squeeze despite him being portrayed as the stupidest man in all creation. In fact, they say God made man in his image, but if God is anything like Dino, we’re boned.
	Barney. After the previous background couple of Fred and Wilma were ditched, Homeland Housewares went through some rigorous screening (ie. get someone who looks vaguely like Barney Rubble) to find the new male half of this couple. A horribly emasculated man, Barney believes his wife Betty only stays with him because she likes to see him cry.
	Betty. With Tina promoted for her efforts in the last Magic Bullet infomercial, it’s newcomer Betty who has to play the role of doubting fool this time around. When someone is needed to shake their head or volunteer for extra work the Magic Bullet removes the need for, Betty is there.

Things kick off with us being asked the same basic questions as the first Magic Bullet infomercial, but with strange qualifiers tacked on. “How would you like to make a five minute meal… on a boat!” or “How would you like a five minute pasta… in your nuclear bunker after North Korea drop the bomb!” and “How about a three second salsa… at your favourite camp site in the middle of the woods!” If any of this sounds at all appealing then you need… a lobotomy! Also helpful might be the Magic Bullet To Go which is, and the voice over readily admits this, just a Magic Bullet with a battery. The future is here.

“Now you can do small everyday jobs like chopping garlic and onions…” outside. I guess that’s a way to cut down on smell. Other benefits? The Magic Bullet To Go can be used up to 50 times without charging. Which, seeing as each job lasts only 5-7 seconds, gives the Magic Bullet To Go a battery life of 5 minutes 50 seconds. And, get this, it is also RECHARGEABLE! Wow, you’ve really got your finger on the pulse there, Mick Hastie.

It then proceeds to shill, just like last time, the party mugs! Sadly, they neither advertise that pouring liquid into mugs causes liquid to pour into mugs or that the colour coded plastic rings on each mug allows you to keep track of your drink.

Things finally really kick off with Mick and Mimi walking into a camp site, a bunch of their buddies, some familiar, some not so, query as to where they were all day. A heh heh heh. Actually, Mick expects me to believe they hiked over a mountain. I can buy Mimi Umidon doing this, because she no doubt has WalkFit orthotics in her shoes, but spongy Mich Hastie? Nah.

...and they all became the Brady Bunch!

Anyway, Mick’s worked up an appetite coming up with lies like that, so offers to make a smoothie (?) when BERMAN makes his return, sarcastically asking whether Mick will use his, and he uses finger quotes here, “Magic Bullet” to make them. Berman, who seemed won over by the Magic Bullet in the past, seems to have renewed hostile relations with the kitchen top marvel. Probably because he realised he was tricked into consuming broccoli by it when last they met. Mick responds by going “Yes, duh.” and pulling the Magic Bullet (To Go!) out of Mimi’s backpack. *cough*Sex toy*cough* Quiet, you.

Everyone is now very puzzled as to how the Magic Bullet will function, never hearing of a battery. This allows the newbies (Barney, Betty and Dino, continuing a string of Flintstones references started with the couple Fred and Wilma in the original infomercial), and Berman, to act incredulous while Magic Bullet veteran Tina wisely advices her new beau Dino to let it go. Mick proceeds to blend up a smoothie as EVERYONE LOOKS AROUND IN AMAZEMENT TO FIND WHERE THE POWER CORD IS HIDDEN. Dino, shocked at this sorcery, literally pulls Tina in front of him as a human shield and yelps “Whoa, that is magic!” Giving Mick a chance to go “It is! The MAGIC Bullet, that is!” Oh ho ho ho ho. Git.

With the secret revealed, everyone turns and smiles, trying to assure themselves and their friends they knew it was a battery all along and that they weren’t seriously going to burn Mick and Mimi at the stake. We’re into familiar Magic Bullet territory as Mimi queries Dino as to what type of omelette he wants, despite him neither asking for one or showing any interest in one. Which may explain why his response is, basically, “Wu- duh?” Luckily, Tina who seems to have gone from uber-spaz to Magic Bullet Spetsnaz between infomercials, lets us know Dino likes a Denver omelette.

Are onions fine, Dino? “Wu- duh?” With that, Tina is forced to jump in again “Yes, onions are fine.” As the omelette is poured into a pan and cooked over a camp fire, Berman the Vermin demands to know if the Magic Bullet To Go can make him a cup of joe. Jesus, Berman, did you pay attention to the first infomercial at all? Anyway, pleased at the prospect of fresh Magic Bullet coffee, Berman prepares to dump an entire pot of “swill” before Mick stops him. After all, with some ice, chocolate syrup and milk even swill-like coffee can become a delicious frozen mocha drink. Right? RIGHT!?

Yeah, maybe you'll use your 'Magic Bullet' and maybe I'll have a 'shower.'

Then as Mimi serves up Dino’s Denver omelette, a craggy, wizened voice pipes up; “Omelette? That’s not camping food!” Oh, yes, it’s Hazel!! But Hazel wasn’t invited (I wonder why) so everyone wonders what tent she’s crawled out of. The mystery is quickly solved as she throws Berman a pair of socks, pats him on the back and says “Thanks for the socks, big boy!” Everyone goes “Eww!” as I ponder the use of socks as emergency condoms. With the entire party complete, save for Fred and Wilma and who cares about those two anyway, Mick and Mimi prepare pancakes for Hazel and Tina. Mick then reveals he ‘only’ had to charge the Magic Bullet To Go for 2 hours to get the 50 maximum uses out of it. Where is all that electricity going!?

Mick and Mimi give their usual spiel where they say you’ll use it every single day. This time it’s newcomer Betty who is the heathen but Tina sneaks up from behind and snaps her neck. Actually, she just responds that it does SO work. Betty wants evidence, however, and Mick responds by asking what the most difficult job in the kitchen is. Oooh, ooh, chopping garlic? “Stinky, nasty garlic”?

Great Scott, they actually say it is garlic, again! Barney cries that Betty always makes him chop the garlic but Mick shows his crying days are over (from garlic at least, Barney seems like he has many other issues that need to be explored) but he’s still not satisfied, wondering if the Magic Bullet will work for onions too. Shock, it does. Mick then actually keeps continuity, reminding us he likes spicy foods before beginning to prepare his famous Three Bean Texas Chilli.

Betty is now completely won over, and acting like she’s on Prozac. I think Tina has been working her over in the background. We continue to thread familiar ground as Mick and Mimi cram some leftovers together and presents it as, not sadly, gourmet chicken salad, but as the contents of a delicious chicken quesadilla. Mimi then prepares an egg salad sandwich which Dino is visibly a little too excited about. The quesadilla is now ready and despite their being only four slices, Mick proclaims it “enough for everyone!” Uh huh. He then proceeds to pour his chilli onto a pile of tortilla chips before dumping grated cheese onto the concoction. Been watching Cathy Mitchell much, Mick? Everyone prepares to dig in, but Mimi warns us to save room for dessert.

Berman's already got his eye on dessert.

“Dessert!? You’re kidding!?” yelps Dino, who appears to be legitimately spooked at this turn of events. And who can blame him? As a child he was savaged by a wild apple crumble and his mind has, obviously, never fully recovered from the experience. Mick prepares and serves Dino the same chocolate moose he made in the last infomercial as Dino says “Who would have thought you could have moose in the woods.” prompting Tina to roll her eyes in disdain. Don’t turn away, newly intelligent Tina, don’t you see, he’s you! Help him help himself! With that, Mick announces it’s time to hit the beach and so we do, right after Voice Over Man has his say.

It’s pretty much the same as the opening spiel, except we DO get to hear about how the colour coded rings help you to keep track of your beverages! I’m sorry for doubting you, Homeland Housewares, you really are incredibly lame.

We return to our group, now at the beach, in time for Mick and Mimi’s famous 15 minute party. Lame. Even my parties last at least an hour. Mick earns himself my burning hatred on a level I usual reserve for Tony O’Donnell as he breaks out “Bob’s your uncle, Fannie’s your aunt” AGAIN, when making salsa. Mimi then announces that a party needs dips, just in time for the biggest dip of all, Dino, to let out this fantastic line.

Oh oh oh oh! What what about… um… the green junk!

“Guacamole?” Mimi asks. “YEAH!” is Dino’s sole reply. Seconds later, guacamole is served and according to Mimi, tastes delicious. “Unlike that junk you get at the grocery store!” Betty chimes in. See? She’s learning, stop hitting her, Tina. Mimi then announces it’s time for Berman’s favourite, frozen drinks, prompting a positively Jack Black-like “Yeeeeeeeah!!” from our portly love machine. Betty offers to “find” some glasses, but it’s totally unnecessary due to the “self blending party mugs” the Magic Bullet To Go comes with. Mimi’s offer of a virgin margarita to Tina prompts much blushing on her part. Woo hoo, now there’s a story I want on the big screen! Meanwhile, Berman loves piña coladas (and getting caught in the rain) while Betty samples a peach dacouri. Mick then suddenly announces everyone should hurry up with this damn party because “the game” is going to be on soon as we fade out.

Of course, if you take it up the pooper, you're still technically a virgin. I'm just saying it's an option, Tina.

We suddenly return to Mick and Mimi, without the rest of the crew, now in some parking lot outside a stadium. I thought Mick wanted to watch the game, but I didn’t know he wanted to drive from the beach to the stadium with 15 minutes. Some random guy, who looks like a slim Seth Rogen, goes “Mick and Mimi, you’re so awesome.” or something like that before wandering off to star in something, anything, involving pot. This is where Mick Hastie shows off the blender attachment, like in the previous incarnation of this infomercial. And then… what? That’s it? Yep, Mick invites everyone to dig in and we’re pretty much done. That was very sudden, huh? Lazy gits can’t even be bothered to end their own works properl

Children are evil and should know how to behave. Parents are blameless and should be excused their lack of parenting skills and nuance. Emotions are for pussies. These are the lessons we will be taught today.

Before we can be even introduced to the brains behind this program, however, we get to enjoy some testimonials. Paula B., who wishes not to disclose her last name even though her face is clearly shown on this televised program, has a son who has ADD. This makes them demon spawn even though I have ADD and about the worst thing it did to me as a kid was make me stare out of the window in the morning when I should have been putting on my socks for school. Coincidentally, this is what I do a lot while I should be writing these articles but I swear it should be finished by the time you click to read more.

If your kids have minty breath, they may be taking what they call 'BG'.

Finally we’re brought to the studio, where the two most colourless, bland hosts in history, Matthew Gillen and Laura Davis say their hellos. You know, the term “black hole of charisma” is thrown about a lot so let me just say this; if charisma was beauty then our hosts would look… exactly like they do now. We then get the reveal that our hero of the day was also once a difficult child so, you see, he knows what it’s like, man. He’s been on the inside! He’s also a social worker with, get this, a degree in social work. Well, jeez, don’t drown me in qualifications, dude. I’m not saying I’m unhappy this guy is apparently qualified to do what he does but is this what passes for boasting these days? This is only slightly above Mick Hastie explaining to us that pouring liquid into mugs causes mugs to fill with liquid.

Creator of the Total Transformation Program, James Lehman, finally shows his basset hound head. Matthew starts of with some ass-kissing which when enhanced with his X-Men power to lace words with white noise, sounded like this to me; “bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.” After several attempts to rewind and listen, I finally deciphered that he was saying, basically, “James, you are the most awesome psychologist in history, yet you overcame so many obstacles to become so awesome. Don’t let my Mr. Rogers’ sweater fool you, I will have sex with you.”

Sad life story time! James was born in New York City. WHY, GOD, WHY!? Oh, it gets worse from there. When he was two and a half, his parents abandoned him in a basement. He was eventually adopted and quickly became an asshole. By “thirteen fourteen”, he was living on the streets of New York. He became an alcoholic AND a drug addict AND got sent to prison for six years. He continues on in this vein for quite some time as the director tries to inject some sense of movement by cutting to Matthew and Laura’s gravel-like faces. Finally, James wraps up his speech with an inspirational quote from Rocky IV.

I can not be defeated. I beat all man. Someday, I will beat a real champion. If he dies, he dies.

Wait, no, sorry, that wasn’t it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change.

There we go.

“Parents need help.” James states, beginning to shill his program. He knows it works because it is, apparently, the program that changed his life. This program then is not actually his but the property of the drug facility he supposed learned to ‘go straight’ at. Also, this program was so consistently successful it did not become the standard in behavioural correction across the country.

Droopy the Dog: Ace Parent

Laura Davis then tries to glance at her script but ends up staring at it for an ungodly amount of time before mumbling “What do you see is the common problem among young children?” James states their big problem is that they suck and can’t fix problems themselves. “Problems like not doing your homework. Problems like hitting your brother or sister.” Most children you see solve these problems by becoming compliant and shutting up, much like the solution to a problem like being mugged is to repress it. Asshole kids, on the other hand, train adults “and teachers” to give in. It’s blackmail, argues James.

Now we get to the meat of the argument. There’s a whole school of granola munching, flower worshipping, moon goddess praising therapy where kids are helped to feel happier and more content with the aim of improving their behaviour. Of course, James thinks this is ass-backwards and feels that kids will be happier when they SHUT THE HELL UP and do what they’re told. Matthew Gillen then lets out a noise. Just to remind us he’s still alive. I’m not impressed, Matthew.

The argument continues that bad kids need to make the first step as Laura Davis nods very slowly and sleepily. More testimonials then appear, where we are clearly told that 130 years of modern scientific psychology is stupid and that four instructional CDs are obviously correct. From what I can gather, it seems James Lehman’s philosophy is to stick to whatever punishment you give your ill-tempered brat. Duh. I could have told you that.

Back to the studio, Matthew tries to ask a question then I woke up and I was already halfway through typing this article. I tried to listen to him again, then I realised it was three months later and I was being felt up in an alleyway in Guadalajara. Judging from James’ answer, however, I assume he was asking why parents suck at reigning in children. James basically tells us it’s because parents are stupid and just kind of sit around waiting for the perfect child to appear, which is a lot like how I write these articles. Even when they don’t get the ideal child, they just act as if it is, allowing the child to go off the rails. Again, just like my articles. And so parents don’t get the skills they need to make a popular and often read child who people will subscribe to, then they can pump their child full of Google ads and retire and this metaphor is making me depressed. Screw this.

Laura: 'Is it just me or is it getting HOT in here since you arrived James?'
Matthew: 'What is this stirring between my legs since James arrived? I could have sworn I was a eunuch.'

The Total Transformation Program supposedly shows easier solutions than giving in. Seeing as giving in is basically the act of doing squat, I would love to know how this is so. Perhaps this solution is to go on one of those Jenny Jones episodes where all the kids go off to boot camp and cry a lot. Another testimonial follows where a couple whine about how their experiences with their other kids didn’t apply directly to their bastard of a child. So, obviously the solution is a generic solution available to every parent on the continent. You see how that works?

James then tells us what the Total Transformation is; a step by step guide to telling your child to shut up and do what you say, basically. Of course, the exact nature of how this works is shrouded in fog so you have to order this thing. He then becomes the John Beck of psychology by explaining that this is all really simple and obvious, but you should really consider paying him to tell you anyway. He then remarks that he’s made a program so simple his own (insinuated by this statement to be moronic) adoptive parents could have followed it, if he had travelled back in time with Doc Brown in some sort of Back to the Future side story to deliver the Total Transformation to his parents before he reached the age of “thirteen fourteen.”

See, the thing is, James Lehman claims to basically have magic phrases. He will apparently teach you exactly what to say to your child in any given situation. Voice Over Guy then graces us with his presence to inform us if we order this program before the infomercial ends, we will also the free gift of James Lehman’s ONE MINUTE TRANSFORMATION. I assume it’s a machete or some form of pistol.

Back in the studio, James argues that you need to squash these tendencies hard, whether they are genuine mental illnesses or not as employers don’t care what the reason for your lack lustre job performance is. He also argues that ALL blame lies on the child, for being a born jerk. He also makes it clear that in court, judges do not make allowances for mental illnesses, which is news to me.

Laura Davis makes these kind of facial reactions throughout the entire infomercial yet remains the most boring person since, well, Matthew Gillen.

We also hear that society is being unfair to parents as just because they’re the legal and moral guardians of children and are usually legally obliged to raise them doesn’t mean they should bare any blame for anything their children do because, hey, you weren’t born with magic parenting powers, am I right? Except for those few that don’t raise drug addicts, they must have this power.

We then cut back to Matthew who… something… must stay awake… Laura states that the Total Transformation Program WILL work or you will get your money back. Of course, results may vary. Another testimonial then tries to sweeten the deal by literally likening this program to a “magic pill.” Wow.

James explains that when children and adults argue, the parents are usually left holding the bag. But it’s the kid who should be holding bags. Bag holding is not an activity for parents. James calls this “the bag of unfinished homework.” I’m not sure of any parents carrying a sack of unfinished homework but I don’t have my masters in “social worker.”

Laura then asks what James would say to those parents scared to call, scared it won’t work, scared their demon spawn will beat them just for watching this paid programming? James gets very technical here, explaining that, erm, you should just try it anyway. Thanks, James.

'Well, if you, like, hang all of them, then they'll, you know, stop talking back.'

We end with what appears to be a recap of this entire infomercial which I wish was the only part they broadcast as this thing was so much filler. James Lehman used the sentence “I will tell you exactly what to say” at least four million times in this infomercial. We end with the awesome legal disclaimer that I was not watching a sales pitch these last 30 minutes but actually just James Lehman’s opinions, man. What? You thought terms like “This WILL work and if not, we will give you your money back” implied it could work? Oh, you so silly.

The GT Xpress 101, which may not actually be the 101st model of this device (it is the upgraded version of an original GT Xpress, however), is basically a grill. And by “basically a grill” I mean “it is a grill.” Of course, it obviously has a thousand advantages over whatever you use to make your meals today. I can’t think of one right now, but trust me, it’s pretty obvious. It’s so obvious it’s… well, it’s pretty obvious.

Thankfully, you don’t have to take my word for it because we’re joined today by Joe Farago, a man whose career highlight seems to have been a short-lived run as host of forgotten game show Break the Bank and pudding shaped cooking expert, Cathy Mitchell.

Can't you see the sheer terror in Cathy Mitchell's eyes?

We kick things off with Joe arranging condiments on a kitchen table, before looking up at us with surprise. He stops just short of saying “Hi, I didn’t notice you come in!” but does piss away any goodwill from that by saying that, like us ordinary joes, he has a pretty hectic schedule. Sorry Joe but I’ve seen your IMDb page. Don’t lie to me if I can refute you this easily.

Because “our” lives are so hectic and filled with padding our insubstantial resumes with shows like Frankenstein: The College Years, Joe is down in the dumps because we’re too eager to grab unhealthy fast food whenever we’re a bit peckish. Thankfully, Joe has planned ahead and introduces squishy-faced maestro Cathy Mitchell who he says will guarantee a way for us all to eat healthier.

Cathy then proceeds to pull out plate after plate of, quite frankly, disgusting looking dishes. “This doesn’t look like fast food to me!” Joe yells. Yeah, kick her ass! “Not if your idea of fast food is overpriced food you eat in your car.” retorts Cathy, firmly clamping Joe’s mouth shut. What wondrous technological marvel could create such culinary delights, Joe wonders aloud, apparently forgetting what he’s been hired today to help shill.

Cathy reveals the GT Xpress 101, the results of over FIVE YEARS research. She then proceeds to make a cheese omelette and maybe it’s just because I’m recovering from a cold but I do not find it appetising. At all. She mixes up a pile of crap and pours the goop into the welling of the GT Xpress while Joe stands around like a dofus and basically says what Cathy is doing. “Oh, you’re adding peppers. Yeah, they’re colourful. Oh, you’re pouring it into the welling? That’s cool.” before he declares he can “smell it cooking already” except I’m reasonably sure the grill is not turned on yet.

'I swear if you tell me one more story from the set of Frankenstein: The College Years... '

While that cooks, Cathy prepares a second breakfast by punching a biscuit to fit the welling before cracking an egg all over it and adding cheese and bacon. Cathy then remarks that she has a guy whose watching his weight, so she uses egg substitute. We then move on again, as Cathy and Joe agree that everyone in the history of the world loves corn dogs. I wonder if they will make corn dogs?

Shock, they’re making corn dogs. Cathy also makes a wrap, which she describes as “the hottest thing going.” Joe actually did this earlier too, but I declined to comment then. Either way, it’s now apparent that Cathy and Joe or at least their writers, believe that wraps are a recent fad, enjoyed by those crazy kids and their Coca-Cola and their sodomy and their unsterilised needles.

She then tries to stuff this wrap in the GT Xpress which clearly DOES NOT close all the way, despite Cathy’s protestations that it does so easily. She holds it down the entire time until a sudden screen cut means we never get to see the top flip over when she lets go.

“Pita bread is just kinda like pizza crust, right?” Cathy asks, obviously hoping we’ll just grin sympathetically and give her a pass on it. No, Cathy, it really isn’t. Either way, her plan is to throw sauce and pepperoni into a pita bread and grill it. “They don’t have this at a fast food place!” Joe sneers. Yeah, I’ve never heard of calzones either. Cathy’s love of stuffing cheese and other goopy crap into everything gives all the food the look of an STD.

I'm not sure what this is but I think it has a yeast infection.

We then move on to what, for me at least, is the most ill-conceived idea not used by Mr. Skullhead from Animaniacs. Cathy prepares some soup from a can then pours an entire box of stuffing into the mix as Joe looks on speechless. Although, to be honest, Joe hasn’t been saying much as of late, it’s been the Cathy show for quite a while. She then prepares some tostada bowls, with a huge helping of her favourite ingredient; cheese.

It’s time for dessert, despite there being at least five other meals yet to have been tasted. Cathy then tries to market the GT Xpress as a solution to overeating. You see, if you bake a whole cake, you’ll eat it all. A fact that Joe Farago eagerly agrees to. But because the GT Xpress is so small compact, your cake serving will be much less in it, keeping you healthy. She then kinds of ruins that theory as after she pours the chocolate cake mix into the GT Xpress, she then proceeds to drop in chocolate bars and Oreos in too to bolster the calorie count.

Joe is then tutored in proper dinner roll etiquette where he and, indeed, we learn that microwaving them is bad manners but using the GT Xpress is the height of sophistication. We then take a step into the bizarre with the Garlic Bread Anecdote.

“Don’t you hate being the guy in charge of the garlic bread?” Cathy demands, resonating with all us folks who have been assigned garlic bread preparation duties at meal times. Joe agrees, growing exasperated as he remembers, remembers the pain, remembers the humiliation of how the garlic bread can either be “not done, overly done” or, worse “I sit down at the dinner table and I think… the garlic bread!” This is like his own personal Vietnam. Naturally, the GT Xpress is the solution. Although I don’t know how it would solve Joe Farago’s memory decay. Cathy then remarks how no-one needs a recipe for garlic bread but then does a u-turn and declares there’s one in her free recipe book anyway (?). WHY?

HOLY SHIT!! WON'T BURN!? AAAAAHHHH!!

This book contains, supposedly, 101 recipes. I hope you will spare me a moment to be utterly pedantic about this and why it bugs me. Now, the 101 recipes is, of course, because this product is GT Xpress 101. But what are the odds there just happened to be exactly 101 great recipes? Pretty damn low, right? So one of two things must have happened. Either there were more than 101 suitable recipes and a host of them were cut, depriving me of more things I could put cheese on or there are under 101 decent recipes and a lot of it is padding and pointless crap (like garlic bread) shoved in there to reached the magic number. Either way, we are the losers. Well not me, I wouldn’t get this if it was free.

We then return to the start, with the breakfast Cathy prepared. She basically opens it up, goes “Looks good, huh?” and close it again with no taste test. Gee, I wonder why. They quickly move onto the “commuter biscuit sandwich” as Joe pinches off a tiny piece of bread, swallows it and proclaims it the most delicious thing in the history of deliciousness.

We’re really rushing through things now, this isn’t just me getting bored of writing. Cathy practically cuts open the corn dog and wrap without stopping and we then come to what Cathy calls the “Pita Pizza.” Naturally, Joe is not allowed sample this either. Man, what’s the point of hosting a food-based infomercial if you can’t even eat the samples, am I right?

Finally, we return to the horror that is stuffed soup. Joe declares it “beautiful”, although I had a scab on my left leg that looked just like it at its grossest. Joe gets to taste and while grimacing, declares it crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside. Tostada bowls come next, but naturally, Joe doesn’t get a bite.

'No, but you see, the genius of the show was that it was Frankenstein... in college!'

He then gets visibly excited about dessert but Cathy points out that wah wah he DID forget about the garlic bread, again! Joe begins to weep before yelling out “CHARLIE!!” in his ‘Nam flashback. Actually, he basically ignores her and wants to move onto the cake, dammit.

The cakes are visibly oozing shit everywhere, but Cathy tries to convince us that “that’s what makes it good” although I have never seen a recipe for anything, anywhere, ever that encourages you to have your dish ooze. With that it’s time for some testimonials!

The people shown in these testimonials are obviously fans of Cathy Mitchell’s cooking methods as everything they make is at least 50% cheese and dairy products. After these, mercifully short, testimonials, Voice Over Guy reveals the secret of the GT Xpress’ super cooking times. It cooks from the top and the bottom, making food cook twice as fast. Just like how being DP’d gets you off twice as fast! Erm, or so I’ve heard. In church.

(I’m sorry, that was the best joke I had. Please keep visiting.)

If you order now, you’ll also get a sterilised needle. Why not, I suppose. As well as a ‘pocket maker’ and a ’shaker bottle’ (pour stuff in and shake it manually). Back to the studio, er, kitchen, Joe is flicking through the free recipe guide, shocked at there being recipes for both meat and fish. Meanwhile, Cathy cooks some chicken and some beef but somehow resists the urge to dump a truckload of cheese on each. Joe is quickly relegated back to nodding and going “Uh-huh.”

Turn leftovers into really cheesy leftovers instantly!

Now we’re treated to a Cathy Mitchell cooking challenge where she will endeavour to make a good meal with some leftovers. Would you be surprised if I told you that her idea is to reheat it and smother it in cheese? She then breaks out the cinnamon rolls, apparently the only way to get kids up in the morning. That and a swift hit with a riding crop.

We then go back through the meals, again, as Joe barely gets two bites in. With all this fried cheese being dumped on everything, I can’t believe they continue to push “healthier” as a marketing point. After all this, Joe announces he wants to try his luck at cooking up a dish. Oh God. Cathy steps out of the way and now it’s time for the Joe show!

Joe throws some salmon, that for some strange reason was already prepared, in the GT Xpress 101 along with some rice and chicken broth. Joe then declares that he has put his reputation on the line. WHAT REPUTATION!? Testimonials follow in which I’m told I can control the ingredients. Wow! Power to the people!

Back to our new lead, Joe, and his pretty damn basic grilled salmon and rice is done. Well done, yutz. Cathy declares the rice to be “almost like a pilaf” continuing her trend of trying to convince me something she makes is “almost sort of like” something good. Cathy does the taste test and, you know, she thinks its awesome. Well, she would, wouldn’t she?

'Of course, Frankenstein was actually the doctor, not the monster, so the name is actually a misnomer but still I felt we captured the integrity of the original Shelley work...'

With that, they both yammer back and forth about how impressive the GT Xpress 101 is and we end with Joe Farago thanking Cathy Mitchell for popping in and I thank whatever deity there is for ending this damnable infomercial.

(I’m SO sorry about the DP joke, you guys!)

In a blink and you’ll miss moment, Infomercial Agony had a celebrity visit a few days back. Actually, that sentence is still apt if you just say “In a blink and you’ll miss moment, Infomercial Agony had a visit a few days back” but c’est la vie.

Well, I’m lying really. It wasn’t a celebrity. It was Stacey Hayes, co-star of Jeff Paul’s Shortcuts to Internet Millions, who was concerned I misspelled her name and was “ragging” on her. Now, I’ll admit, I gave her a very light touch, mainly because my thought process at time was like “Awwwwwesome!” until I realised Stacey, and almost everyone ever involved in an infomercial, probably Googles their own name at least once a week to make sure no-one is being mean.

'There's an 'e' in her name.' 'CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL!'

I could have asked good questions. Is Jeff Paul as sexy as he seems on TV? Were you pissed Carmen Palumbo got more screen time than you? Why didn’t you have a seat during your ‘interview’ with Jeff? Were you so in need of a pay cheque you were prepared to endorse such an obvious scam involved in ripping off the desperate and ill as well as the just plain dumb or are you just slightly sociopathic?

What I did do is rush to fix my typos of her name and pat her on the head for finding a paying job. Well done, me! Better luck next time, champ.

Moving on. I perused the host of John Beck’s Free & Clear Real Estate System, Michelle Boudreau’s official website recently in lieu of having a life. But my hermit tendencies were rewarded when I found what is apparently Michelle’s video resume! This is one of the most awesomely lame things I have ever watched. Highlights include:

* The four seconds she appeared in a Michael J. Fox movie. It’s hard to spot her even in her own promotional video.
* Chatting with Chef Tony about his own forgotten infomercial product, the Volkano.
* A weird spot where FOUR Michelle Boudreau’s appear on screen slouched over and start waving their arms back and forth.
* Michelle hanging out with a very excitable Erik Estrada!

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

And lots, lots more! Check it out now!

Finally, I’ve got a lot of search terms piling up lately involving ExtenZe. Which is fine and all, but a lot of them are very odd. Let’s take a look.

snort extenze

Okay, I know I actually said this in my ExtenZe recap but seriously? Okay, I’m not sure of how fast the body can absorb the “many ingredients in ExtenZe which may improve size, stamina or performance” or whether it works quicker snorted, injected, swallowed or taken as a suppository but what I do know is that if ExtenZe works, you probably have enough time to let it work the old fashioned away.

extenze infomercial I really didn’t care about being larger

One moment, please.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Look, it’s a search engine, dude. You don’t have to try and convince it that you’re satisfied with your current penis size. Google doesn’t judge, man. But I do. And my judgement is that you doth protest too much (it’s a literary reference).

Is there any bigger sign that you’re very worked up about your penis size than arguing with your preferred search engine about it?

if we use extenze how much bigger would i get

I’ve watched the ExtenZe infomercial several times for this query. There’s around 12 or so different testimonials. All of them give the mathematical term “It got bigger.” So, using the equation Bigger x 12 / 12 I can determine that according to ExtenZe, taking the product will make you “bigger.”

I’m almost willing to guarantee that this search and the one before it were made by the one person.

Yeah, yeah, I use ExtenZe and Google this blog with really strange search terms.

how often can you take extenze without getting hives

Here’s a little scientific experiment that’s fabulous for such questions. Get a pile of potentially dangerous medication and take one tablet at a time, repeatedly. Non stop. Make sure to keep count, perhaps create a score card. Anyway, when you begin to get hives/swollen tongue/the runs/a stroke stop taking the medication then you should be able to deduce that you can take exactly one less pill than you did without effect.

Good, huh? All my deceased relatives tried this. Mainly because I made them. Whoops. Can’t make an omelette without killing a bunch of people, I guess.

real extenze pictures

I’m an extremely liberal guy at times, but even I find the concept of comparing tiny “Before” dicks to throbbing “After” dicks to be one of the weirdest things ever. It’s not even gay. If it was homosexual, then this would have a purpose. But as far as I can tell, this is not about sex (well, it is, it’s ExtenZe. Look, you know what I mean!).

I like the qualifier “real”, just in case ExtenZe would try to fob off court sketches or wax models of penises instead to try and trick you. I guess I wouldn’t it put it past them.

Well, that’s all for this month, people. Have a happy whatever next month is!

Okay, as you may or may not know, I am an Irishman. So it’s only fitting that I would eventually cover Ruby Reds, a miracle health product, here. You see, Ruby Reds is supposedly the brainchild of an Irishman, Tony O’Donnell. Tony has a problem though. He has no discernible personality, so all he can is regurgitate the word Ireland and try to cram it into as many sentences as possible to cover this personality defect. His bullshit Irish charm annoys the hell out of me so this recap is a guilty pleasure of mine.

So, let us begin with Tony O’Donnell and avian-esque co-host Janice Marie, offering us the path to true health and some Oirish charm to boot.

Back in the old country we used to always juggle fruit, not eat it. Hence our debilitating illnesses.

Welcome to Your Health Matters, the half-hearted pretend-show framing device for this infomercial! After their introductions, (Tony is known as the Herb Doc, according to Janice. It must be true as she calls him this at least once every three minutes for the entire infomercial) Tony blathers a little about how red food is better for you than all other food ever. “You can’t be talking about red meat and red licorice!” Janice squawks, prompting Tony to respond “Ach, nay, sure, I left all that back home in my native Ireland, saints be praised.” or words intended to have that effect. Left behind red licorice? Does he come from Ireland or bloody Candy Land?

Anyway, it seems Dropkick Murphy here has traversed the Atlantic Ocean with a message for us all; fruits and vestebles (Thanks, Jack) are better for you than greasy pizza and burgers. Who knew? He then goes onto explain that the food pyramid, his object of worship, recommends that, well, you eat more healthy food than unhealthy food. Which leads us into our wonderful product for today; Ruby Reds.

What is (are?) Ruby Reds? Vitamin powder. Oh, yawn. It contains 42 different ingredients; fruits, enzymes, a wee drop of the creature just to bolster that Irish credibility. Maybe. Janice proclaims the powder he poured on a plate “gorgeous” (!) and “vibrant” (!!). I think she’s overegging the pudding a little or, to get into the spirit of things, as we say in my native Ireland, she’s overegging the pudding a little.

Saint Pat here tells us that he realised a lot of people needed energy, so he decided he would make the best energy giving vaguely-pink powdery substance in the world today, giving up on his earlier dream of creating a monkey with four arses. Our Irish-American duo then proceed the pour the powder into glasses of water and stir it up. “Wow! The colours!” she exclaims, forcing me to conclude that her over the topic reactions are from her sampling another powdery substance in her dressing room before filming. I am then informed that the reason it’s red is because it is healthy. Like red meat and red licorice. Wait.

Gorgeous.

We then rage against “trendy vitamin drinks” as Tony waves away the mere thought of juicing as taking too much time and effort. This hits a sore spot with Janice as she drags out what is, obviously, her old juicer which she seemingly always drags with her to infomercial tapings. As I would never accuse her of not owning the juicer she lugs out I have theorised the condition “B.Y.O. crappy juicer” was attached to all audition cards. Tony then pulls out a pocket sized blender, for no real reason.

A race is then announced; Janice chopping and juicing about ten millions fruits and vegetables versus Tony mixing up some Rudy Reds. And he’s even using a blender to do it, the lazy bastard. Somehow, Tony pulls victory out of the bag in, like, one second. There’s also a quick screen cut which means it is very likely they actually cut out some of Tony’s blending time. How sad is that?

We are then swept away for some testimonials with one Marjorie Rothstein stating she needs Ruby Reds for energy but what she really needs is a visit from Dean Banowetz and Nancy Valen. We also get “Radio Talk Show Host” Keith Morey (who is another “Not approved by the FDA”-style health goods pusher) extolling the effects Ruby Reds has on his tennis game. We’re then informed by my personal deity, Voice Over Man, that Ruby Reds contains “virtually every vitamin known to man” and if I order now, I will get Tony’s little glass blender thing because stirring a glass of water is too much effort as well as Tony O’Donnell’s weight loss secrets.

Back to Tony and Janice; Tony boasts of the fibre content in Ruby Reds because it is made with ground-up newspapers, also giving you essential inks and roughage. Janice worries that with so much fibre we’ll be… well, that we’ll be shitting non-stop. Tony says that’s not an issue because of, um, enzymes and bowels and hey did you hear my accent, stop asking questions. He then peddles the bullshit (pun!) “fact” that people carry up to 25 pounds of crap in their bowels. Stop horning in on Klee Irwin’s territory, Tony.

Are you sure this isn't the In Styler studio?

We’re then promised the greatest gift of all. No, not a child’s laughter but the secret to losing 5 pounds in 14 days. If the secret is “take Ruby Reds” (with a disclaimer stating something like “in conjunction with regular exercise”) I will shoot myself. Before we get to that though, Tony launches an abortion of a joke so large I am shocked pro-life protesters didn’t run in and start wailing on him with signs and sandwich boards.

The biggest cause of dieting in America is the high school reunion.

Oh ho ho ho ho. Tool.

Oh, God, I was right. He’s blending up some Ruby Reds and a disclaimer pops into frame stating “Weight loss occurs with increased exercise and a daily caloric reduction from meal replacement.” Oh, he’s making a Rudy Red smoothie that he urges you to replace one meal a day with. Apparently, this mixture is the “Irish American Ruby Red Sunset.”

“What makes it Irish?” Janice asks, which is creepy because that’s what I said except with more swearing. “Because I’m from Ireland!” Tony responds, listing his only trait I can discern. He is just so embarrassing. We’re then told how Tony grew up in a family of 11 in Ireland and everyone was sick. Presumably until he invented Ruby Reds. And that, according to Tony, is why he teaches and spreads good health across the country. Not his country, mind you as I presume most Irish people would not find Tony’s “Did I mention I’m from Ireland!?” schtick very relevant.

That's pretty much the face I had on for the entirety of this infomercial.

As part of a pre-smoothie toast, Tony then butchers and I mean buuuutchers, if I went up to anyone on the street here and had them try it they would do at least as good a job, the Irish word “Sláinte” which means “Health” although Tony claims it means “Good health” which it categorically does not (That would be Sláinte Mhaith). As the two sample their pink goop, we get some more testimonials. They’re not very memorable save for a wonderful exclaimer “We do not know if these results are typical.” No “results may vary” bull, just an honest answer to the question “Are these results typical, Ruby Reds?” to which this infomercial responds with the written equivalent of a shrug.

When we return to our motley duo, we’re informed that smoothies are not just healthy but are a quote-unquote “Super Food.” The usual banter goes back and forth until Janice mentions that when she goes to the gym she usually buys vitamin drinks. Tony then shows that vitamin drinks contain sugar. Well, he doesn’t, I guess. He just says they do, tosses his scarf behind his neck, dusts his hands and states “And that’s the end of that chapter.” Okay, he actually pours out six teaspoons of sugar to show us, what do you want from me?

Janice then remarks that Tony is so passionate about his product, although you could have fooled me, he’s been murmuring and gargling through this entire infomercial like he’s punch drunk after a boxing match. Tony then introduces us to some facts about his background to explain why he’s oh so passionate.

* He grew up on a farm which bred the unique combination of tractors and sheep.
* Ireland is a beautiful place. (Obviously he’s never been to Tipperary town then.)
* Ireland is an island.
* He goes on to explain that this means it is surrounded by water.
* His family (which is so large I almost wish to call it a pack or a herd instead) was, is and likely will forever be ravaged by disease.

Okay, only the last point has anything to do with this product and his motivations, but wasn’t that fun? Tony then explains that health is more important than wealth. He then lists things Ruby Reds contain with Janice parroting back at him. “Fatty acids.” “Fatty acids.” “Antioxidants.” “Anniefdasjfdjskskents.” Look, she’s trying, okay?

Obviously someone didn't read the directions. But at least her skin is so much smoother.

After a brief pause for a single yawnsome testimonial only made bearable by the guy’s (one Brian Chan) prepubescent attempt at facial hair, Tony tells us how Ruby Reds helps your nails and your hair “which you ladies seem to spend so much money on!” Take that, female gender!

We’re then told that Tony has a surprise for all the moms out there, giving him a chance to say “My mom is back home in lovely Ireland.” He then says hi to her (!) because budget American vitamin powder infomercials are obviously broadcast back on the farm in Ireland. Anyway, this super surprise is called… well, it doesn’t have a name because it’s just cold Ruby Reds left in the fridge and force fed to your children. He then breaks out some Ruby Red popsicles that he keeps under the table.

“You like a healthy child, right?” Tony asks, phrasing it in such a bizarre way I thought Janice would reply “Yes, with a salad on the side.” But, alas, Janice’s need for cannibalism will go unrevealed this time as we cut to the best testimonial yet. Peggy C. Adams was a woman in pain. Neck pain, ear pain, shoulder pain, you name it, it hurt her. Seven glasses of Ruby Reds later and she was doing yoga (!) and standing on her head (!?). Of course, this claim is so ludicrous that this testimonial was given TWO disclaimers, one the afore mentioned “results vary” line as well as another staple, which usually bookends infomercials, “not intended to treat, diagnose, cure, or prevent any disease.” She also likes to shout “Get Ruby Reds!” at her friends, which must make her popular in bed.

Back to the studio where Tony and Janice ramble on about papayas and mangoes. Tony awkwardly flirts with Janice but is pretty much cockblocked. Hah, you need more than an accent and some “back in the old country” memoirs to get laid, Tony. He then talks about prostates and urinary tract infections. “You know about that.” he remarks to Janice about the latter. I think I threw up a little in my mouth.

Sorry, the rabbits shit in your papaya again.

We’re then told that Ruby Reds contain Orcs (Well, he says ORACs but I like Orcs better) which, and I’m just quoting here, crushes the bad guys. Another testimonial wants me to believe that people comes to Dr. Ray H. Gin, Chiropractor, for digestion troubles. So, of course I do believe, and I also believe he recommends Ruby Reds to one and all. For serious. Thankfully, Dr. Fouad I. Ghaly, MD, Medical Doctor (Wow, talk about redundancy) then tells us he takes it. Not that he recommends it to patients, but he takes it. Don’t be scared to shill, doc. Doc Stein told the world how he recommends ExtenZe to all his patients. After that, you’ve nothing to be ashamed about.

It’s time for some fearmongering back in the studio, as Tony and Janice reveal the truth behind vitamin tablets. They give you heartburn and actually work against your body, attack your stomach and so on. Tony then throws some Ruby Reds into the air. This proves it absorbs quickly. Yes, it does prove it, don’t talk back. With that, they say their goodbyes, Tony offering “good health and many blessings” which I guess is supposed to be part of his Oirish charm but I’m just happy that he didn’t try and speak in Irish again.

One last testimonial concerns Sheila Smallwood, who offered to show her friend a product that would make her feel amazing. The rabbit vibrator (Phew, I was worried I couldn’t squeeze in a smutty joke for a while). Okay, it was Ruby Reds. And with that, and a last second visitation by the Voice Over Man, we are done.

But there’s one final reveal at the very last second. A helpful screen that tells me DTM Marketing make the product and that Tony O’Donnell is naught but a paid endorser of Ruby Reds.

Or as we say back in the old country, he’s just acting the maggot.

As you can imagine, I tend to shy away from such non-reviews as exercise machines and cosmetics which removes a big chunk of categories from my field. That leaves me with the very few health and beauty products I could cover competently, miscellaneous crap and what we’re back to today, money making schemes. Although Armando Montelongo has scoffed at the concept of buying low and selling high as a theory roughly equatable to the theory of a flat earth, BetterTrades feels that this theory is truth and aims to remove the horrible indignity of looking and comparing numbers yourself in order to show you how to do it automatically.

But what if you’re too distrustful of those stock market leeches or too stupid to understand words like “finances.” Well, don’t worry, people who believe wifebeaters are a fashion statement AND a hobby, because you’re going to be American football metaphor’d to death by Super Bowl World Series Grand Slam winning coach Jimmy Johnson, who helps co-host this debacle with Erica Shaffer, who used to crop up in almost every infomercial on television but she seems to have calmed down in recent years.

The Superbowl and the stock market are so alike so you can trust what he says.

We start this infomercial as we start almost every infomercial, with a deep voice-over asking you would we like to be filthy rich. Some quick testimonials pop up and we get some wonderful condensation as we are told “average people just like you” are even able to lift their knuckles from the floor and stop picking fleas from your fur to make money. We see the BetterTrades logo and… and… whoa, whoa, whoa, stop!

(Hammer time)

BetterTrades does not actually have a logo it has, honest, a heraldic crest! Awesome! I like heraldry, you know. They can be rife with meaning. Let’s take a quick detour to see the hidden meaning behind the BetterTrades crest.

In the top left, we see a fat, balding man hunched over his computer. His hands are being used to support his many chins. I believe he is contemplating the meaning of life as he waits for his German porn torrent to download. This gives the BetterTrades clan a deep, yet passionate, image.

The top right shows a fascist right-wing rally in progress as a prominent figure offers up his proof that ethnic minorities are sapping his great nations strength. Sadly, only four people have turned up to his meeting. This shows that BetterTrades is enlightened with the truth but that this advanced knowledge makes it unpopular.

Heraldry commands respect.

The bottom left segment seems to focus on the south Atlantic, although bits of Africa, South America and Antarctica creep into view. This is harder to explain, although I believe it ties back to racist and fascist elements with apartheid-era South Africa, South American military dictatorships and emperor penguins. Together the three form a triangle which marks the BetterTrades Holy Land. Why aren’t they based there? Salt water, sharks and a lack of actual land, I imagine.

The final section, at the bottom right, shows a mountain range placed against a grid, giving us a chilling virtual reality feel. This could be BetterTrades dire vision of a future where nuclear war and global warming has forced humanity underground where such things as ‘mountains’ and ‘forests’ can only be experienced through such VR programs.

Finally, in an oval, there is a “.COM” which lets us know a common internet suffix without having to pull out a reference book. Thanks, BetterTrades!

Okay, sorry about that diversion. After all that, we cut to Jimmy Johnson at a BetterTrades conference where he immediately relates to me, the common man, with my beer and pick-up truck and Larry the Cable Guy DVDs by stating that making money on the stock market is like winning on the football field. Oh! I get it now! They’re both good! We’re also told we need the best possible game plan. Hey! That applies to both football and stocks! Wow, it sure is easier to understand now, because I am obviously a spastic moron.

After this introduction, we cut to Erica Shaffer and “Coach” Johnson, himself at the BetterTrades Super Summit in Dallas. We are quickly assured that BetterTrades is not only easy, it is also simple. We then see that this is because BetterTrades is apparently an IM chat with one Bob Eldridge where he yells “NOW! Make the trade now!” at you.

NOW! Make the trade now! And show me your penis!

As if this talking down to us wasn’t enough, one of the testimonials then feature a man in a cowboy hat called Buddy. This allows me to know that even ordinary shmoes like me can use this product from my barn. We’re then informed by Erica that there’s a Financial Freedom Expo coming soon to the great town of “Your Area”. Jimmy then chips in to let us know that BetterTrades works and we then get (yes!) another football metaphor as Jimmy tells us that BetterTrades will treat each of us consistently by treating us differently, just like he treated his players differently. Fantastic. We then cut to Jimmy’s “good friend” Brian Hyder Freddie Rick.

The strangely swine-like Freddie, on stage at the seminar, browbeats the stock brokers and announces BetterTrades will always stand beside you. Today, tomorrow, next week, last week, this week, a week from Tuesday. This prompts a standing ovation from the crowd. Why? I don’t know, but these crowds seem to give out standing ovations like Jehovah’s Witnesses do copies of the Watchtower. We then cut to another speaker, one Doug Sutton, whose title is “Sector Trading Coach.” He trades sectors. Or he trades in a sector. Or something.

Doug lets us know that the entirety of the world’s global economy can be summed up in one word. Volatility. Why is it so volatile, Doug? “Sometimes it’s up, sometimes it’s down” is essentially what he tells us. Well, okay then, Doug. He then declares that the market owes us money (?) and he will help us get it.

After some more testimonials and voice-over shilling, we are back with Erica and Jimmy, who announces he sees a whole lot of people with a game plan. Get a new metaphor, dude. We are then sent to the ‘trading pit’ with “floor reporter” Annika Kielland. A man called Darrell grumbles that he’s made over $150,000 and Annika berates him for not being more excited. Jeez, leave the guy alone, Annika.

Oink.

Back to Freddie Rick who oinks his way to another ovation with his “L.I.F.E.” system. L.I.F.E. stands for the following.

Long Term Growth
Immediate Cash
Cash Flow
Retire Early

Which doesn’t spell L.I.F.E. at all. Now, if we give the last one a break by easily rephrasing it as Early Retirement we do get a proper acronym. L.I.C.E.! We’ve got L.I.C.E.! Well, I’m sure Freddie Rick does at the very least. By the way, this is the method BetterTrades works with each individual person Jimmy Johnson was alluding to. Four ways. I’m as unique as 25% of the population, it appears.

We then cut to yet another speaker, Markay Latimer, who earnestly puts over the power of charts. I swear, this infomercial has the biggest cast I have ever seen. I sure hope BetterTrades pulls a profit because this infomercial must have cost a lost to make. Anyway, Markay drones on and on about this while Jimmy Johnson’s head just keeps bobbing like one of those novelty dog things you put in your car. This is quite strange, seeing as I was shown earlier that I don’t really need charts, I can just talk to someone on Yahoo! Messenger and they’ll tell me what to do. In caps.

Back to Jimmy with Erica and we get another football metaphor. It’s all about executing strategies which work. Just like on the football field. Phew, this stuff was going way over my head until he said that. What if you’re still (gasp!) sceptical, Erica queries. Jimmy lets us know that we should go to one of their free Hard Sells Financial Freedom Expos. Jimmy also knew he had to modify his play book after each game. “It’s the same with trading stocks!” Jimmy clarifies, just in case you had not grasped the idea of a metaphor just yet.

'Anyway, after the trade, he IM'd me a picture of his dick. It was this big, I swear.'

Following some more testimonials, we’re given a sit down interview between Jimmy Johnson and Freddie Rick. It’s more than making money, they agree, it’s about pride and accomplishment. This isn’t so much an interview as an old-man 69 which Erica quickly cuts off, thankfully. At times Jimmy plays at just being another satisfied customer and then they’ll show him on stage rallying the BetterTrades standing ovation corps. With one more plea from Erica to pop along to a hard sale/expo, we get some more quick testimonials and we are finished.

After that, we get an entire screen filled with disclaimers which basically says the following, in English; BetterTrades will not make you profits from trading, no statement BetterTrades made implies they are giving you advice and they do not recommend any form of investing. They are also not registered investment advisers or brokers.

I’m not sure what they actually do then. Or why they have these trading pits or testimonials and the like. Oh, there goes that brain of mine again. Silly me!

But, now now, don’t be too upset. I’ll give you a small treat. My five favourite search terms people have used to find and visit Infomercial Agony.

Read on for riches, and plentiful references to bosoms.

1. who is that old guy on the juicer commercials

The answer, of course, is Jack LaLanne. Well, it might be the Juiceman, but I haven’t covered him yet (and I likely never will) so let’s assume it’s our man, Jack.

What I like about this is the questioning nature and details. You see, if I was searching, I would search something like “juicer infomercial host”. It’s cold and Spartan. But this user asks with the innocence I used when I was a kid and I would literally ask Jeeves on Ask Jeeves. Google is not only asked for information but is given further information as the guy this visitor is looking for is old. Honestly, I feel this visitor’s spirit of cooperation between humanity and technology is much sunnier and happy than my own detached version of searching.

2. internet millions bimbos

I was going to make a defiant statement that as a hardened feminist, I am disgusted by the use of the word ‘bimbo’ to describe Carmen Palumbo and Stacey Hayes. Then I looked at my Shortcuts to Internet Millions article and realised it took me around 23 seconds before I did it myself. Shit.

Still, if I were searching, I would have used the terms “hosts”, not “bimbos”. Does this mean I am a better person than this visitor? Yes, if they don’t care that I said that and will continue to come here. No, if not.

3. antonio internet shortcuts

Thank you Antonio for visiting my humble blog.

Antonio's lack of a super technical background did not preclude him for being the only man in the world to search for him.

4. magic bullet mimi boobs

Has anyone ever come to this place for reasons besides pornography? The answer is obviously no.

This search term confirms one of two things. Either Mimi Umidon is more known for her role in the Magic Bullet infomercials or, more basely, her appearance in the Magic Bullet infomercials is considered more attractive than her WalkFit counterpart. Although her latter appearance is indeed more conductive to foot fetishists.

5. Carmen Palumbo’s boobs are how big

Uh, well, I don’t know. I’m sure it makes an interesting trivia piece but if you like her boobs, does it matter? But perhaps it does matter. What if this visitor is planning to make a Carmen Palumbo sex doll out of an inner tube, two balloons and one of those fake vibrating vaginas? How much should this man inflate the balloons? It’s important, dammit!

Once our erstwhile visitor figures this out, I anticipate he’ll back with a new search term “I can find strands of Carmen Palumbo’s hair where?” Freak.

See you in three days!

Fair enough, I suppose. Although the motivation is a lot more base than other infomercials covered here thus far, which generally claim to turn your health and/or finances around, the fact that ExtenZe has been around on television for around seven years, it’s likely pulled in more money from infomercials than John Beck and Montel William’s dear friend Brian Hyder combined. Yes, even including Brian’s Morgan silver dollar.

ExtenZe was originally pimped out by Ron Jeremy himself, but that was way back in 2002. All that remains of those bygone days are a few VHS videos copied to YouTube, so forgive me if we skip forward to the second most recent set of infomercials where we get to tune into our (my) favourite syndicated authentic TV show; Sex Talk with, as Google tells me, soft core porn ’star’ Frank Mercuri and aspiring actress (aren’t they all) Bridgetta Tomarchio.

Check out the subtly phallic table piece. All class.

We kick things off with the ultimate way to attack men’s insecurities; have a bunch of “women on the street” (and no, I don’t mean THAT kind of woman on the street. Not yet, anyway) remark, in front of their boyfriends, that they wish their partners were “bigger”, the ExtenZe vernacular for “had an engorged penis.”

In the studio, we have Bridgetta Tomato and her weird hair and Frank “too embarrassed to give a last name”, remark, just for emphasis, that all those women on the street (not yet) wanted their men to be bigger. They then remark that there’s this awesome new product, called Ex… something, I don’t remember, exists and will rock your world. Frank points out that with a drug-enhanced schlong any man wouldn’t be able to move for all the bodacious babes willing to get it on, no matter how insecure they may be. It turns out that Bridgetta had already gone street walking (no, not yet!) and found the men interesting and their wives “cute”. Implied lesbian activity always peaks my interest, so I’m willing to give Bridgetta a shot.

We cut to Bridgetta on the streets of California, and it is windy and possibly a bit chilly, as her protruding nipples would indicate. She then announces her intent, to see if any guys out there have heard of ExtenZe and have they ever tried it. Bridgetta then hijacks a couple and within 20 seconds any credibility this infomercial may have had falls apart with this dialogue.

Bridgetta “Have you ever heard of ExtenZe.”
Guy “Yeah… yeah, I’m using it, actually.”
Girl “Yeah, he is.”

Tiiiiiiimber! I could wrap this review up right now as this show has crashed and burned. Okay, I guess it is possible that a random man on the street will volunteer that he takes “male enhancement” but, to be honest, I don’t want to know that man, or walk on the same side of the street as him. He then lets us know, while veins on his head pulse maniacally, that ExtenZe makes him “a hell of a lot bigger”. Also, the very first day he started using it, his girlfriend noticed a huge difference. What? Way to go, micro-peen. Girlfriend then does her part for male-female relations by stating if her man ever stops using the product, they are OVER. Argh, my insecurities! Must… buy… ExtenZe… must… attain… gargantuan… penis… to… have… fulfilling… relationships…

Why wouldn't he be happy? His girlfriend just holds him hostage with his drug-enhanced penis, that's all.

It’s then suddenly eight hours later and Bridgetta asks another man (with partner) if he has ever heard of ExtenZe, he too instantly puts forward the fact that he is “currently on it” with benefits to his “sex drive” and “power”, if you know what he means. Baaaarrrrrffffff! Suddenly it’s morning again, as a “foreign” man when pressed on where he heard about ExtenZe, states he heard it “through advertising”. Now that’s market research you can bank on. Bridgetta then asks if he was so happy with the product that he ripped holes in his partner’s jeans. I am not sure what this means, but if it means what I think it does then I wouldn’t take ExtenZe if you paid me. I’m sorry, but I do not need a razor edged penis capable of impromptu tailoring. He then remarks that after using ExtenZe he had the “very satisfying sex and it was great”. Jesus Christ, I don’t need to know!

We then just cut to some other woman apparently sitting on a stool who just tells us ExtenZe will make you bigger, so take it, you jerk. She does break out my favourite ExtenZe euphemism for cock; “a special area of the male body”. Then some other completely random woman tells us it doesn’t matter how old you are, it’ll work. Hope that redistribution of blood flow doesn’t cause a poor guy to faint. Following that, we get a wacky little skit involving a couple. I am compelled to transcribe this in full because I believe pain is to be shared.

Act 1
Woman “Hey, honey. What do you have there.”
Man “I’ve ordered a male enhancement product called ExtenZe.”
Woman “Male enhancement? You mean like building more muscles?”
Man “No! You know, “male enhancement”?”
Woman “Oooh, really? Does that really work?”

Act 2
Woman “Wow, how much enhancing does ExtenZe do?”
Man hands her a brochure which apparently has before and after pictures of penises for him to peruse
Woman “That’s male enhancement all right!”

Fin. I think, honestly, it supplanted Waiting for Godot as my favourite play of all time.

What is that behind Stool Lady? A sand worm? A scene from Dune? A malformed wang?

Back to the Sex Talk studios and Frank reminds us of tonight’s topic; Sex! Bridgetta lets us know that three brave women have stepped up to talk about their love lives. They are Laura, Lisa and Kim. They agreed to this because talking about sex is so much more awesome than, say, participating in the hobby. Bridgetta then drops the, as she phrases it “big, pardon the pub” question. Does size matter. The ladies remark that love and consideration for a partner’s preferences and vice versa is what matters. Haha, no, the gist is, these three ladies only learned to enjoy and value sex when they did it with men with 24 inches of American steel protruding between their thighs, rendering their vaginas canyon-esque wastelands. I need ExtenZe! If not, I will never have a meaningful relationship! That’s it, I’m tying some barbells to my genitals, don’t you try and stop me!

By the way, Frank comes off as very smooth during this. Not in a good way, but smooth due to the sheer amount of slime dripping from him. However, happily, this is just a facade. You can actually get to see the real Frank on Blind Date’s Hall of Shame in the video below. He’s single, ladies!

Kim compares bad sex to your favourite baseball team making the play-offs, proceeding to the final game and then dropping a ball, or something. We are also informed that when any woman, ever remarks that she is satisfied with you sexually, she is lying because she is scared to hurt your feelings. Damn it, I can’t waste time taking these as pills! I’m gonna grind them into dust and snort them! The girls then try and tie this into a man’s confidence but that’s only so much trimming. They even claim that, subconsciously, every man knows he doesn’t measure up, even if he thinks he does.

“Can a guy be too big?” Frank asks. The three witches then confirm my suspicions by saying, categorically, no, never, not at all. A hot dog in a corridor? More like a matchstick in the Grand Canyon. Kim then insinuates she needs to leave right now to have sex. Nymphomania is a serious condition, damn it! Don’t encourage her, Bridgetta, get her help! Frank quickly takes the reigns before we can be shown the dark side of sexual addiction and we’re treated to more Bridgetta walking the streets (no, not yet!).

Bridgetta is not demonstrating the minimum length these fine ladies demand but width.

Extremely disconcertingly, Bridgetta seems to hanging out with a total stranger while conducting her usual interview with a couple. When the boyfriend remarks that, of course, he has become “bigger” through ExtenZe, creepy other man nods appreciatively before giving his positive review of the product as well. Polygamy? Spontaneous three-way? Wandering horny hobo? Don’t ask me.

Suddenly it’s midnight and yet another half of a couple immediately volunteers that he takes ExtenZe without prompting. Maybe that microphone Bridgetta wields is magic. Maybe her protruding nipples throw everyone off guard. This goes on through several different couples with very minor variations of the following.

Bridgetta “Hi, have you ever heard of a product called Ext–”
Man “Yes, I have, I’m taking it actually! It made me bigger!”
Woman “More stamina too!”
Bridgetta “Wow! Bigger, huh? Awesome!”

After a quick visit back to stool lady for the exact same spiel as before, we’re turned to the warm womb-like comfort of the Sex Talk studio where we’re joined by Dr. Daniel Stein. I love hard hitting interviews. Is it normal for guys to want to be bigger, Dr. Stein? Duh, Stein replies. All righty. Frank then slams down the next question; Is there any scientific basis for ExtenZe’s claims? Before Dr. Stein, MD, can open his mouth a lengthy disclaimer dives in at the bottom of the screen, making the legal touchdown necessary to ensure broadcast. Stein deftly explains that ExtenZe is a mixture of crap, each ingredient may possibly have the ability to potentially enhance the size of the male penis. Well, I’m sold. More ‘proof’ is given in two forms. First is the clause ridden verbiage that I potentially demonstrated to you possibly moments earlier. The second is for Stein to be so blunt, his answer could mean anything. “In my opinion, ExtenZe works.” At what? Increasing penis size? Increasing pleasure? Sexual stamina? Hives? He’ll never tellllll.

Oh sick! Dr. Stein, MD, demonstrates the increased stamina that comes from ExtenZe

Bridgetta then has to play dumb in order to get Stein to give the simple, vague and thus harder to argue, version of how ExtenZe works. Basically; more blood flow to the schlong means a harder, larger tallywhacker to, uh, whack tallys with, I guess. Stein then states he knows of many medical practitioners who prescribe ExtenZe to their patients and also take it themselves (!!). “I even use it myself” he states. Oh, barf. Just… just… barf. Bridgetta Pistachio then has to pretend that this turns her on and makes a quick two second come on to Dr. Stein that is never referenced again. He then follows up by stating he “loves giving it to my patients”. I bet you do, you randy sod.

Frank then says he loves seeing “the guys on the street”. I give up. I don’t have to insinuate anything, do I? I am completely superfluous to requirements here. One of the new “on the street” meetings featuring a man who seems more interested in Bridgetta than his wife. This is partially explained as she has the most annoying giggle I have ever heard. Here’s my textual variant: “A-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh!” Some very awkward faux-flirting goes on, too inane for me to even recap. Following that, we return to stool lady and things wrap up with some repeats of testimonials. Summary? “It gets bigger”. We then get an encore of the epic play, which I now title Waiting for Boners and we are out.

I honestly find the ExtenZe infomercial so ha ha-larious that I can’t really call it infomercial agony. But, erm, this paid programming provoked so many insecurities in me that I… well, I’ve tied my junk to several wild horses and I’m currently typing this on my cell phone as I’m dragged across the Nevada desert. And it didn’t even get bigger. I’ll be back once my groin is torn from the rest of me, setting me free. Future agony, you see. Later!