In Styler

“Is styling your hair… a NIGHTMARE!?” is how this infomercial kicks off. No, it isn’t, but this infomercial sure as hell is.

The In Styler, officially called in the infomerical the Amazing New Rotating In Styler, is a hair care product from Tré Milano. “Milano” is the Italian name of the city we know as Milan, as I hope you’ve been able to figure out without me. “Tré” means nothing in Italian but it does mean “Three” in a number of European languages, mainly Slavic based ones. In conclusion “Tré Milano” doesn’t mean anything, but I think they were going for “Très”, the French for “Very” (as in “très chic”) but screwed it up. Even if that is the case, it would then mean “Very Milan”. Messing up the name of your company is not a good start.

As a hair care product, the Amazing New Rotating In Styler is less appealing to me than a prostate exam performed by Jack LaLanne’s pre-juiced parsnip and my review of its infomercial will likely reflect that. Let’s see how long I can suffer through the wonders of Tré Milano’s Amazing New Rotating In Styler!

Star Trek prop or space age sex toy? You decide.

After the look at several “bad hair days”, we’re quickly given an info dump. Old fashioned hair straighteners– Oh, I should mention that, right? The In Styler is a hair straightener. Old fashioned hair straighteners would crush your hair, forcing it to lie flat. That’s how they work. The In Styler, however, uses a rotating thing and some bristles to straighten hair without crushing and oh, God, why did I decide to review this infomercial? This is so unique that it’s actually been submitted for patents in the United States and… places that are not the United States. Wow, it must be good!

We’re then introduced to our paid shill, Dean Banowetz, the “Hollywood Hair Guy” from American Idol and E! Television. We’re also joined by Nancy Valen, who is a television and movie star (Samantha Thomas on Baywatch over ten years ago. “Neighbour #1″ on CSI in the last decade). To be fair, however, she is probably the most famous of the three “celebrity hosts” we’ve had here to date, easily outmatching Darla Haun and Forbes Riley. So kudos to you, Nancy!

We cut a studio with an audience of eight (!) women. I’m not sure if this is better or worse than bringing in a hundred or so completely uninterested people to clap at key points. I assume they’ll all need the power of the In Styler at some point today. “Endless visits to the salon, special brushes, products, blow driers, curling irons, flat irons”. These are the things that weigh upon all which desire good hair. But, luckily enough, Nancy Valen is not here to just weep in sorrow and leave. She brings to us a solution. What’s more, an all-in-one solution. I wonder if it is the In Styler?

Master Stylist Dean shows off the latest trend: Grandfather Chic

While Nancy preaches, Dean is standing there awkwardly, clutching an In Styler in his sweaty little hand. There’s a reason why the hair guy isn’t the star of the show, and this is why. He’s also wearing a suit my grandfather would wear. He shakes his head like a little kid asked if he took the last cookie when Nancy asks if he has ever endorsed another styler before. He then announces with, to be honest, more than a hint of “stereotypical gay hair stylist” that the best way for him to show us is to show us. Cue laughter. Cue sobbing from me.

We’re then introduced to “lovely” Emerald, whose main problem is diagnosed to be her big, frizzy hair but to me her main problem is that she has a face like someone took a shit on her lap. I’m sure the In Styler will transform her grumpy disposition into a face of beaming joy, however. Emerald uses the In Styler, with one hand. “It’s a one hand wonder” announces Nancy, making me want to retract any compliment I ever gave her. Naturally, Emerald is now all smiles.

Dean doesn’t need to do anything at all, in fact, as the In Styler is so easy and revolutionary. He’s reduced to simply grabbing chunks of Emerald’s hair and telling her to continue. Why is Dean endorsing this, then? It’s so wonderfully revolutionarily perfect that the spread of this technology will leave him jobless and begging to curl peoples back hair for food on the streets within weeks. But perhaps Dean is as smart as the rest of us and knows that us cynics will stop the In Styler from reaching its full potential no matter how earnest his endorsement.

The audience applauds my use of sex toy jokes.

“I needed this when I was in high school” Emerald states, just now drawing my attention to the fact that the In Styler kind of looks like a sex toy. Not enough like one for me to dwell on it, sadly. But enough that the searing pain just behind my eyes caused by forcing myself to watch a hair styling informercial abates for just a moment.

“This is a transformation!” exclaims Dean, as Emerald emerges from her frowny cocoon as a butterfly with a smile permanently plastered across her face. A flash forward and another woman, this time an older one by the name of Gloria is in the styling chair as Dean works over the crown of her head, in order to “transform her silhouette.” Delighted, Gloria takes off, presumably for the Flavor Wave taping next doors, where she will throw her body at Mr. T.

It’s then time for Voice Over shilling as we learn you can try the In Styler for 30 days for the low, low price of $14.99 (plus S&H). But, wait, there’s more! You’ll also get a carry bag and table mat, all in one. You put your In Styler in the carry bag, and then when you take it out, you can just throw it on the bag, making the bag a mat. You see? It’s engineering genius. The bag is supposedly heat resistant, but the In Styler isn’t supposed to be all that hot anyway, so I’m not too impressed. You’ll also get a comb where the handle is pair of scissors, in case you haven’t put your eye out yet. They’ll also throw in a second In Styler… for some reason. I guess if you’re really impatient or have an awful lot of hair. And if you don’t think you get enough crap yet, you’ll also get hair spray and crap like that.

They don’t tell you how much you will have to pay if you decide to keep all this free tat, naturally.

It's ergonomically sound!

When we cut back to the studio, our hosts are there along with their own celebrity (I’m playing fast and loose with the term here), Kimberley Locke, who is from American Idol, I presume. She looks and sounds pretty bored but it gives Dean the chance to tell stories about she visited his apartment for hair care.

Dean: “We spent hours blow-drying Kim’s hair.”
Kim: “Hours.”

Thanks, Kim. Suffice to say, the In Styler transforms her hair. Dean throws some of the science of the In Styler at us again but I feel the blood flowing from my ears just thinking about it so forgive me for skipping over it. Oh God, they do the crown again, in case you missed it when they did it to Gloria. I swear this is just to torture me. “I don’t want to touch it.” Dean states when he finishes. I know how he feels.

After yet more Voice Over shilling, we come back to Haley who doesn’t seem to have much of a problem with her hair to me. However, I am not a hair stylist and therefore cannot make large issues out of tiny details so never mind me. If you’re wondering why I haven’t mentioned Nancy Valen in a while, it’s because she’s not doing anything. This is the easiest days pay she ever made.

Yeah, and her hair is bad too. Arf, arf, arf!

Suffice to say, Haley is quickly cleansed of the sin of lacking “bouncy, sexy hair.” We then go back to the crown. Jesus! What’s the big deal with the damn crown!? This is the THIRD TIME we’ve focused on it. Dean does the same damn thing as he did to Gloria and Kim and declares it “life changing.” Screw you, Dean Banowetz. It’s like bloody Groundhog Day except every day Bill Murray styles the crown of a different woman’s head and the movie never ends and I cry a little inside and a lot on the outside.

Woah, holy crap, Nancy’s talking! “I love the In Styler. And so will you.” And then we’re whisked away for some more shilling from the Voice Over Man. Thanks for everything, Nancy! And, well, that’s it. It just suddenly ends after that. Well, that was sudden although it was hardly unwelcome. I like to think it represents how I feel. A brutal mugging that comes to a sudden end. I know I feel violated and sore just from watching this. Infomercial Agony indeed.