BetterTrades

I seem to be on almost something of a roll as regards financial infomercials as of late, but in dire economic times like these (at least for you plebs) they have undergone a sharp increase in presence. Although, to be honest, almost half of all infomercials are probably about making money anyway.

As you can imagine, I tend to shy away from such non-reviews as exercise machines and cosmetics which removes a big chunk of categories from my field. That leaves me with the very few health and beauty products I could cover competently, miscellaneous crap and what we’re back to today, money making schemes. Although Armando Montelongo has scoffed at the concept of buying low and selling high as a theory roughly equatable to the theory of a flat earth, BetterTrades feels that this theory is truth and aims to remove the horrible indignity of looking and comparing numbers yourself in order to show you how to do it automatically.

But what if you’re too distrustful of those stock market leeches or too stupid to understand words like “finances.” Well, don’t worry, people who believe wifebeaters are a fashion statement AND a hobby, because you’re going to be American football metaphor’d to death by Super Bowl World Series Grand Slam winning coach Jimmy Johnson, who helps co-host this debacle with Erica Shaffer, who used to crop up in almost every infomercial on television but she seems to have calmed down in recent years.

The Superbowl and the stock market are so alike so you can trust what he says.

We start this infomercial as we start almost every infomercial, with a deep voice-over asking you would we like to be filthy rich. Some quick testimonials pop up and we get some wonderful condensation as we are told “average people just like you” are even able to lift their knuckles from the floor and stop picking fleas from your fur to make money. We see the BetterTrades logo and… and… whoa, whoa, whoa, stop!

(Hammer time)

BetterTrades does not actually have a logo it has, honest, a heraldic crest! Awesome! I like heraldry, you know. They can be rife with meaning. Let’s take a quick detour to see the hidden meaning behind the BetterTrades crest.

In the top left, we see a fat, balding man hunched over his computer. His hands are being used to support his many chins. I believe he is contemplating the meaning of life as he waits for his German porn torrent to download. This gives the BetterTrades clan a deep, yet passionate, image.

The top right shows a fascist right-wing rally in progress as a prominent figure offers up his proof that ethnic minorities are sapping his great nations strength. Sadly, only four people have turned up to his meeting. This shows that BetterTrades is enlightened with the truth but that this advanced knowledge makes it unpopular.

Heraldry commands respect.

The bottom left segment seems to focus on the south Atlantic, although bits of Africa, South America and Antarctica creep into view. This is harder to explain, although I believe it ties back to racist and fascist elements with apartheid-era South Africa, South American military dictatorships and emperor penguins. Together the three form a triangle which marks the BetterTrades Holy Land. Why aren’t they based there? Salt water, sharks and a lack of actual land, I imagine.

The final section, at the bottom right, shows a mountain range placed against a grid, giving us a chilling virtual reality feel. This could be BetterTrades dire vision of a future where nuclear war and global warming has forced humanity underground where such things as ‘mountains’ and ‘forests’ can only be experienced through such VR programs.

Finally, in an oval, there is a “.COM” which lets us know a common internet suffix without having to pull out a reference book. Thanks, BetterTrades!

Okay, sorry about that diversion. After all that, we cut to Jimmy Johnson at a BetterTrades conference where he immediately relates to me, the common man, with my beer and pick-up truck and Larry the Cable Guy DVDs by stating that making money on the stock market is like winning on the football field. Oh! I get it now! They’re both good! We’re also told we need the best possible game plan. Hey! That applies to both football and stocks! Wow, it sure is easier to understand now, because I am obviously a spastic moron.

After this introduction, we cut to Erica Shaffer and “Coach” Johnson, himself at the BetterTrades Super Summit in Dallas. We are quickly assured that BetterTrades is not only easy, it is also simple. We then see that this is because BetterTrades is apparently an IM chat with one Bob Eldridge where he yells “NOW! Make the trade now!” at you.

NOW! Make the trade now! And show me your penis!

As if this talking down to us wasn’t enough, one of the testimonials then feature a man in a cowboy hat called Buddy. This allows me to know that even ordinary shmoes like me can use this product from my barn. We’re then informed by Erica that there’s a Financial Freedom Expo coming soon to the great town of “Your Area”. Jimmy then chips in to let us know that BetterTrades works and we then get (yes!) another football metaphor as Jimmy tells us that BetterTrades will treat each of us consistently by treating us differently, just like he treated his players differently. Fantastic. We then cut to Jimmy’s “good friend” Brian Hyder Freddie Rick.

The strangely swine-like Freddie, on stage at the seminar, browbeats the stock brokers and announces BetterTrades will always stand beside you. Today, tomorrow, next week, last week, this week, a week from Tuesday. This prompts a standing ovation from the crowd. Why? I don’t know, but these crowds seem to give out standing ovations like Jehovah’s Witnesses do copies of the Watchtower. We then cut to another speaker, one Doug Sutton, whose title is “Sector Trading Coach.” He trades sectors. Or he trades in a sector. Or something.

Doug lets us know that the entirety of the world’s global economy can be summed up in one word. Volatility. Why is it so volatile, Doug? “Sometimes it’s up, sometimes it’s down” is essentially what he tells us. Well, okay then, Doug. He then declares that the market owes us money (?) and he will help us get it.

After some more testimonials and voice-over shilling, we are back with Erica and Jimmy, who announces he sees a whole lot of people with a game plan. Get a new metaphor, dude. We are then sent to the ‘trading pit’ with “floor reporter” Annika Kielland. A man called Darrell grumbles that he’s made over $150,000 and Annika berates him for not being more excited. Jeez, leave the guy alone, Annika.

Oink.

Back to Freddie Rick who oinks his way to another ovation with his “L.I.F.E.” system. L.I.F.E. stands for the following.

Long Term Growth
Immediate Cash
Cash Flow
Retire Early

Which doesn’t spell L.I.F.E. at all. Now, if we give the last one a break by easily rephrasing it as Early Retirement we do get a proper acronym. L.I.C.E.! We’ve got L.I.C.E.! Well, I’m sure Freddie Rick does at the very least. By the way, this is the method BetterTrades works with each individual person Jimmy Johnson was alluding to. Four ways. I’m as unique as 25% of the population, it appears.

We then cut to yet another speaker, Markay Latimer, who earnestly puts over the power of charts. I swear, this infomercial has the biggest cast I have ever seen. I sure hope BetterTrades pulls a profit because this infomercial must have cost a lost to make. Anyway, Markay drones on and on about this while Jimmy Johnson’s head just keeps bobbing like one of those novelty dog things you put in your car. This is quite strange, seeing as I was shown earlier that I don’t really need charts, I can just talk to someone on Yahoo! Messenger and they’ll tell me what to do. In caps.

Back to Jimmy with Erica and we get another football metaphor. It’s all about executing strategies which work. Just like on the football field. Phew, this stuff was going way over my head until he said that. What if you’re still (gasp!) sceptical, Erica queries. Jimmy lets us know that we should go to one of their free Hard Sells Financial Freedom Expos. Jimmy also knew he had to modify his play book after each game. “It’s the same with trading stocks!” Jimmy clarifies, just in case you had not grasped the idea of a metaphor just yet.

'Anyway, after the trade, he IM'd me a picture of his dick. It was this big, I swear.'

Following some more testimonials, we’re given a sit down interview between Jimmy Johnson and Freddie Rick. It’s more than making money, they agree, it’s about pride and accomplishment. This isn’t so much an interview as an old-man 69 which Erica quickly cuts off, thankfully. At times Jimmy plays at just being another satisfied customer and then they’ll show him on stage rallying the BetterTrades standing ovation corps. With one more plea from Erica to pop along to a hard sale/expo, we get some more quick testimonials and we are finished.

After that, we get an entire screen filled with disclaimers which basically says the following, in English; BetterTrades will not make you profits from trading, no statement BetterTrades made implies they are giving you advice and they do not recommend any form of investing. They are also not registered investment advisers or brokers.

I’m not sure what they actually do then. Or why they have these trading pits or testimonials and the like. Oh, there goes that brain of mine again. Silly me!