Ruby Reds

I’ve been away for a while, huh? Yeah, I suck at keeping a schedule, especially for a small site like this. The more folk that come (and comment, ya bastards!) the more I feel like working, so let’s just say we both have to work harder at this relationship and put this behind us.

Okay, as you may or may not know, I am an Irishman. So it’s only fitting that I would eventually cover Ruby Reds, a miracle health product, here. You see, Ruby Reds is supposedly the brainchild of an Irishman, Tony O’Donnell. Tony has a problem though. He has no discernible personality, so all he can is regurgitate the word Ireland and try to cram it into as many sentences as possible to cover this personality defect. His bullshit Irish charm annoys the hell out of me so this recap is a guilty pleasure of mine.

So, let us begin with Tony O’Donnell and avian-esque co-host Janice Marie, offering us the path to true health and some Oirish charm to boot.

Back in the old country we used to always juggle fruit, not eat it. Hence our debilitating illnesses.

Welcome to Your Health Matters, the half-hearted pretend-show framing device for this infomercial! After their introductions, (Tony is known as the Herb Doc, according to Janice. It must be true as she calls him this at least once every three minutes for the entire infomercial) Tony blathers a little about how red food is better for you than all other food ever. “You can’t be talking about red meat and red licorice!” Janice squawks, prompting Tony to respond “Ach, nay, sure, I left all that back home in my native Ireland, saints be praised.” or words intended to have that effect. Left behind red licorice? Does he come from Ireland or bloody Candy Land?

Anyway, it seems Dropkick Murphy here has traversed the Atlantic Ocean with a message for us all; fruits and vestebles (Thanks, Jack) are better for you than greasy pizza and burgers. Who knew? He then goes onto explain that the food pyramid, his object of worship, recommends that, well, you eat more healthy food than unhealthy food. Which leads us into our wonderful product for today; Ruby Reds.

What is (are?) Ruby Reds? Vitamin powder. Oh, yawn. It contains 42 different ingredients; fruits, enzymes, a wee drop of the creature just to bolster that Irish credibility. Maybe. Janice proclaims the powder he poured on a plate “gorgeous” (!) and “vibrant” (!!). I think she’s overegging the pudding a little or, to get into the spirit of things, as we say in my native Ireland, she’s overegging the pudding a little.

Saint Pat here tells us that he realised a lot of people needed energy, so he decided he would make the best energy giving vaguely-pink powdery substance in the world today, giving up on his earlier dream of creating a monkey with four arses. Our Irish-American duo then proceed the pour the powder into glasses of water and stir it up. “Wow! The colours!” she exclaims, forcing me to conclude that her over the topic reactions are from her sampling another powdery substance in her dressing room before filming. I am then informed that the reason it’s red is because it is healthy. Like red meat and red licorice. Wait.

Gorgeous.

We then rage against “trendy vitamin drinks” as Tony waves away the mere thought of juicing as taking too much time and effort. This hits a sore spot with Janice as she drags out what is, obviously, her old juicer which she seemingly always drags with her to infomercial tapings. As I would never accuse her of not owning the juicer she lugs out I have theorised the condition “B.Y.O. crappy juicer” was attached to all audition cards. Tony then pulls out a pocket sized blender, for no real reason.

A race is then announced; Janice chopping and juicing about ten millions fruits and vegetables versus Tony mixing up some Rudy Reds. And he’s even using a blender to do it, the lazy bastard. Somehow, Tony pulls victory out of the bag in, like, one second. There’s also a quick screen cut which means it is very likely they actually cut out some of Tony’s blending time. How sad is that?

We are then swept away for some testimonials with one Marjorie Rothstein stating she needs Ruby Reds for energy but what she really needs is a visit from Dean Banowetz and Nancy Valen. We also get “Radio Talk Show Host” Keith Morey (who is another “Not approved by the FDA”-style health goods pusher) extolling the effects Ruby Reds has on his tennis game. We’re then informed by my personal deity, Voice Over Man, that Ruby Reds contains “virtually every vitamin known to man” and if I order now, I will get Tony’s little glass blender thing because stirring a glass of water is too much effort as well as Tony O’Donnell’s weight loss secrets.

Back to Tony and Janice; Tony boasts of the fibre content in Ruby Reds because it is made with ground-up newspapers, also giving you essential inks and roughage. Janice worries that with so much fibre we’ll be… well, that we’ll be shitting non-stop. Tony says that’s not an issue because of, um, enzymes and bowels and hey did you hear my accent, stop asking questions. He then peddles the bullshit (pun!) “fact” that people carry up to 25 pounds of crap in their bowels. Stop horning in on Klee Irwin’s territory, Tony.

Are you sure this isn't the In Styler studio?

We’re then promised the greatest gift of all. No, not a child’s laughter but the secret to losing 5 pounds in 14 days. If the secret is “take Ruby Reds” (with a disclaimer stating something like “in conjunction with regular exercise”) I will shoot myself. Before we get to that though, Tony launches an abortion of a joke so large I am shocked pro-life protesters didn’t run in and start wailing on him with signs and sandwich boards.

The biggest cause of dieting in America is the high school reunion.

Oh ho ho ho ho. Tool.

Oh, God, I was right. He’s blending up some Ruby Reds and a disclaimer pops into frame stating “Weight loss occurs with increased exercise and a daily caloric reduction from meal replacement.” Oh, he’s making a Rudy Red smoothie that he urges you to replace one meal a day with. Apparently, this mixture is the “Irish American Ruby Red Sunset.”

“What makes it Irish?” Janice asks, which is creepy because that’s what I said except with more swearing. “Because I’m from Ireland!” Tony responds, listing his only trait I can discern. He is just so embarrassing. We’re then told how Tony grew up in a family of 11 in Ireland and everyone was sick. Presumably until he invented Ruby Reds. And that, according to Tony, is why he teaches and spreads good health across the country. Not his country, mind you as I presume most Irish people would not find Tony’s “Did I mention I’m from Ireland!?” schtick very relevant.

That's pretty much the face I had on for the entirety of this infomercial.

As part of a pre-smoothie toast, Tony then butchers and I mean buuuutchers, if I went up to anyone on the street here and had them try it they would do at least as good a job, the Irish word “Sláinte” which means “Health” although Tony claims it means “Good health” which it categorically does not (That would be Sláinte Mhaith). As the two sample their pink goop, we get some more testimonials. They’re not very memorable save for a wonderful exclaimer “We do not know if these results are typical.” No “results may vary” bull, just an honest answer to the question “Are these results typical, Ruby Reds?” to which this infomercial responds with the written equivalent of a shrug.

When we return to our motley duo, we’re informed that smoothies are not just healthy but are a quote-unquote “Super Food.” The usual banter goes back and forth until Janice mentions that when she goes to the gym she usually buys vitamin drinks. Tony then shows that vitamin drinks contain sugar. Well, he doesn’t, I guess. He just says they do, tosses his scarf behind his neck, dusts his hands and states “And that’s the end of that chapter.” Okay, he actually pours out six teaspoons of sugar to show us, what do you want from me?

Janice then remarks that Tony is so passionate about his product, although you could have fooled me, he’s been murmuring and gargling through this entire infomercial like he’s punch drunk after a boxing match. Tony then introduces us to some facts about his background to explain why he’s oh so passionate.

* He grew up on a farm which bred the unique combination of tractors and sheep.
* Ireland is a beautiful place. (Obviously he’s never been to Tipperary town then.)
* Ireland is an island.
* He goes on to explain that this means it is surrounded by water.
* His family (which is so large I almost wish to call it a pack or a herd instead) was, is and likely will forever be ravaged by disease.

Okay, only the last point has anything to do with this product and his motivations, but wasn’t that fun? Tony then explains that health is more important than wealth. He then lists things Ruby Reds contain with Janice parroting back at him. “Fatty acids.” “Fatty acids.” “Antioxidants.” “Anniefdasjfdjskskents.” Look, she’s trying, okay?

Obviously someone didn't read the directions. But at least her skin is so much smoother.

After a brief pause for a single yawnsome testimonial only made bearable by the guy’s (one Brian Chan) prepubescent attempt at facial hair, Tony tells us how Ruby Reds helps your nails and your hair “which you ladies seem to spend so much money on!” Take that, female gender!

We’re then told that Tony has a surprise for all the moms out there, giving him a chance to say “My mom is back home in lovely Ireland.” He then says hi to her (!) because budget American vitamin powder infomercials are obviously broadcast back on the farm in Ireland. Anyway, this super surprise is called… well, it doesn’t have a name because it’s just cold Ruby Reds left in the fridge and force fed to your children. He then breaks out some Ruby Red popsicles that he keeps under the table.

“You like a healthy child, right?” Tony asks, phrasing it in such a bizarre way I thought Janice would reply “Yes, with a salad on the side.” But, alas, Janice’s need for cannibalism will go unrevealed this time as we cut to the best testimonial yet. Peggy C. Adams was a woman in pain. Neck pain, ear pain, shoulder pain, you name it, it hurt her. Seven glasses of Ruby Reds later and she was doing yoga (!) and standing on her head (!?). Of course, this claim is so ludicrous that this testimonial was given TWO disclaimers, one the afore mentioned “results vary” line as well as another staple, which usually bookends infomercials, “not intended to treat, diagnose, cure, or prevent any disease.” She also likes to shout “Get Ruby Reds!” at her friends, which must make her popular in bed.

Back to the studio where Tony and Janice ramble on about papayas and mangoes. Tony awkwardly flirts with Janice but is pretty much cockblocked. Hah, you need more than an accent and some “back in the old country” memoirs to get laid, Tony. He then talks about prostates and urinary tract infections. “You know about that.” he remarks to Janice about the latter. I think I threw up a little in my mouth.

Sorry, the rabbits shit in your papaya again.

We’re then told that Ruby Reds contain Orcs (Well, he says ORACs but I like Orcs better) which, and I’m just quoting here, crushes the bad guys. Another testimonial wants me to believe that people comes to Dr. Ray H. Gin, Chiropractor, for digestion troubles. So, of course I do believe, and I also believe he recommends Ruby Reds to one and all. For serious. Thankfully, Dr. Fouad I. Ghaly, MD, Medical Doctor (Wow, talk about redundancy) then tells us he takes it. Not that he recommends it to patients, but he takes it. Don’t be scared to shill, doc. Doc Stein told the world how he recommends ExtenZe to all his patients. After that, you’ve nothing to be ashamed about.

It’s time for some fearmongering back in the studio, as Tony and Janice reveal the truth behind vitamin tablets. They give you heartburn and actually work against your body, attack your stomach and so on. Tony then throws some Ruby Reds into the air. This proves it absorbs quickly. Yes, it does prove it, don’t talk back. With that, they say their goodbyes, Tony offering “good health and many blessings” which I guess is supposed to be part of his Oirish charm but I’m just happy that he didn’t try and speak in Irish again.

One last testimonial concerns Sheila Smallwood, who offered to show her friend a product that would make her feel amazing. The rabbit vibrator (Phew, I was worried I couldn’t squeeze in a smutty joke for a while). Okay, it was Ruby Reds. And with that, and a last second visitation by the Voice Over Man, we are done.

But there’s one final reveal at the very last second. A helpful screen that tells me DTM Marketing make the product and that Tony O’Donnell is naught but a paid endorser of Ruby Reds.

Or as we say back in the old country, he’s just acting the maggot.