Metapost: Stacey Hayes, Michelle Boudreau, ExtenZe

So, I’ve decided that at the end of every month, I’ll make a metapost with musings and news and findings and all that jazz. This will last just long enough until I don’t bother to do it next month, I predict, but come, let’s us and I pretend for now.

In a blink and you’ll miss moment, Infomercial Agony had a celebrity visit a few days back. Actually, that sentence is still apt if you just say “In a blink and you’ll miss moment, Infomercial Agony had a visit a few days back” but c’est la vie.

Well, I’m lying really. It wasn’t a celebrity. It was Stacey Hayes, co-star of Jeff Paul’s Shortcuts to Internet Millions, who was concerned I misspelled her name and was “ragging” on her. Now, I’ll admit, I gave her a very light touch, mainly because my thought process at time was like “Awwwwwesome!” until I realised Stacey, and almost everyone ever involved in an infomercial, probably Googles their own name at least once a week to make sure no-one is being mean.

'There's an 'e' in her name.' 'CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL!'

I could have asked good questions. Is Jeff Paul as sexy as he seems on TV? Were you pissed Carmen Palumbo got more screen time than you? Why didn’t you have a seat during your ‘interview’ with Jeff? Were you so in need of a pay cheque you were prepared to endorse such an obvious scam involved in ripping off the desperate and ill as well as the just plain dumb or are you just slightly sociopathic?

What I did do is rush to fix my typos of her name and pat her on the head for finding a paying job. Well done, me! Better luck next time, champ.

Moving on. I perused the host of John Beck’s Free & Clear Real Estate System, Michelle Boudreau’s official website recently in lieu of having a life. But my hermit tendencies were rewarded when I found what is apparently Michelle’s video resume! This is one of the most awesomely lame things I have ever watched. Highlights include:

* The four seconds she appeared in a Michael J. Fox movie. It’s hard to spot her even in her own promotional video.
* Chatting with Chef Tony about his own forgotten infomercial product, the Volkano.
* A weird spot where FOUR Michelle Boudreau’s appear on screen slouched over and start waving their arms back and forth.
* Michelle hanging out with a very excitable Erik Estrada!

And lots, lots more! Check it out now!

Finally, I’ve got a lot of search terms piling up lately involving ExtenZe. Which is fine and all, but a lot of them are very odd. Let’s take a look.

snort extenze

Okay, I know I actually said this in my ExtenZe recap but seriously? Okay, I’m not sure of how fast the body can absorb the “many ingredients in ExtenZe which may improve size, stamina or performance” or whether it works quicker snorted, injected, swallowed or taken as a suppository but what I do know is that if ExtenZe works, you probably have enough time to let it work the old fashioned away.

extenze infomercial I really didn’t care about being larger

One moment, please.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Look, it’s a search engine, dude. You don’t have to try and convince it that you’re satisfied with your current penis size. Google doesn’t judge, man. But I do. And my judgement is that you doth protest too much (it’s a literary reference).

Is there any bigger sign that you’re very worked up about your penis size than arguing with your preferred search engine about it?

if we use extenze how much bigger would i get

I’ve watched the ExtenZe infomercial several times for this query. There’s around 12 or so different testimonials. All of them give the mathematical term “It got bigger.” So, using the equation Bigger x 12 / 12 I can determine that according to ExtenZe, taking the product will make you “bigger.”

I’m almost willing to guarantee that this search and the one before it were made by the one person.

Yeah, yeah, I use ExtenZe and Google this blog with really strange search terms.

how often can you take extenze without getting hives

Here’s a little scientific experiment that’s fabulous for such questions. Get a pile of potentially dangerous medication and take one tablet at a time, repeatedly. Non stop. Make sure to keep count, perhaps create a score card. Anyway, when you begin to get hives/swollen tongue/the runs/a stroke stop taking the medication then you should be able to deduce that you can take exactly one less pill than you did without effect.

Good, huh? All my deceased relatives tried this. Mainly because I made them. Whoops. Can’t make an omelette without killing a bunch of people, I guess.

real extenze pictures

I’m an extremely liberal guy at times, but even I find the concept of comparing tiny “Before” dicks to throbbing “After” dicks to be one of the weirdest things ever. It’s not even gay. If it was homosexual, then this would have a purpose. But as far as I can tell, this is not about sex (well, it is, it’s ExtenZe. Look, you know what I mean!).

I like the qualifier “real”, just in case ExtenZe would try to fob off court sketches or wax models of penises instead to try and trick you. I guess I wouldn’t it put it past them.

Well, that’s all for this month, people. Have a happy whatever next month is!