GT Xpress 101

I’m hungry. And when I get hungry, I can do one of two things. I can eat, which is generally considered unhealthy and I have no desire to break 200 pounds thank you very much, or I can watch food-based infomercials. And I can tell you this, watching the GT Xpress 101 infomercial very quickly quashes any hunger I may have had.

The GT Xpress 101, which may not actually be the 101st model of this device (it is the upgraded version of an original GT Xpress, however), is basically a grill. And by “basically a grill” I mean “it is a grill.” Of course, it obviously has a thousand advantages over whatever you use to make your meals today. I can’t think of one right now, but trust me, it’s pretty obvious. It’s so obvious it’s… well, it’s pretty obvious.

Thankfully, you don’t have to take my word for it because we’re joined today by Joe Farago, a man whose career highlight seems to have been a short-lived run as host of forgotten game show Break the Bank and pudding shaped cooking expert, Cathy Mitchell.

Can't you see the sheer terror in Cathy Mitchell's eyes?

We kick things off with Joe arranging condiments on a kitchen table, before looking up at us with surprise. He stops just short of saying “Hi, I didn’t notice you come in!” but does piss away any goodwill from that by saying that, like us ordinary joes, he has a pretty hectic schedule. Sorry Joe but I’ve seen your IMDb page. Don’t lie to me if I can refute you this easily.

Because “our” lives are so hectic and filled with padding our insubstantial resumes with shows like Frankenstein: The College Years, Joe is down in the dumps because we’re too eager to grab unhealthy fast food whenever we’re a bit peckish. Thankfully, Joe has planned ahead and introduces squishy-faced maestro Cathy Mitchell who he says will guarantee a way for us all to eat healthier.

Cathy then proceeds to pull out plate after plate of, quite frankly, disgusting looking dishes. “This doesn’t look like fast food to me!” Joe yells. Yeah, kick her ass! “Not if your idea of fast food is overpriced food you eat in your car.” retorts Cathy, firmly clamping Joe’s mouth shut. What wondrous technological marvel could create such culinary delights, Joe wonders aloud, apparently forgetting what he’s been hired today to help shill.

Cathy reveals the GT Xpress 101, the results of over FIVE YEARS research. She then proceeds to make a cheese omelette and maybe it’s just because I’m recovering from a cold but I do not find it appetising. At all. She mixes up a pile of crap and pours the goop into the welling of the GT Xpress while Joe stands around like a dofus and basically says what Cathy is doing. “Oh, you’re adding peppers. Yeah, they’re colourful. Oh, you’re pouring it into the welling? That’s cool.” before he declares he can “smell it cooking already” except I’m reasonably sure the grill is not turned on yet.

'I swear if you tell me one more story from the set of Frankenstein: The College Years... '

While that cooks, Cathy prepares a second breakfast by punching a biscuit to fit the welling before cracking an egg all over it and adding cheese and bacon. Cathy then remarks that she has a guy whose watching his weight, so she uses egg substitute. We then move on again, as Cathy and Joe agree that everyone in the history of the world loves corn dogs. I wonder if they will make corn dogs?

Shock, they’re making corn dogs. Cathy also makes a wrap, which she describes as “the hottest thing going.” Joe actually did this earlier too, but I declined to comment then. Either way, it’s now apparent that Cathy and Joe or at least their writers, believe that wraps are a recent fad, enjoyed by those crazy kids and their Coca-Cola and their sodomy and their unsterilised needles.

She then tries to stuff this wrap in the GT Xpress which clearly DOES NOT close all the way, despite Cathy’s protestations that it does so easily. She holds it down the entire time until a sudden screen cut means we never get to see the top flip over when she lets go.

“Pita bread is just kinda like pizza crust, right?” Cathy asks, obviously hoping we’ll just grin sympathetically and give her a pass on it. No, Cathy, it really isn’t. Either way, her plan is to throw sauce and pepperoni into a pita bread and grill it. “They don’t have this at a fast food place!” Joe sneers. Yeah, I’ve never heard of calzones either. Cathy’s love of stuffing cheese and other goopy crap into everything gives all the food the look of an STD.

I'm not sure what this is but I think it has a yeast infection.

We then move on to what, for me at least, is the most ill-conceived idea not used by Mr. Skullhead from Animaniacs. Cathy prepares some soup from a can then pours an entire box of stuffing into the mix as Joe looks on speechless. Although, to be honest, Joe hasn’t been saying much as of late, it’s been the Cathy show for quite a while. She then prepares some tostada bowls, with a huge helping of her favourite ingredient; cheese.

It’s time for dessert, despite there being at least five other meals yet to have been tasted. Cathy then tries to market the GT Xpress as a solution to overeating. You see, if you bake a whole cake, you’ll eat it all. A fact that Joe Farago eagerly agrees to. But because the GT Xpress is so small compact, your cake serving will be much less in it, keeping you healthy. She then kinds of ruins that theory as after she pours the chocolate cake mix into the GT Xpress, she then proceeds to drop in chocolate bars and Oreos in too to bolster the calorie count.

Joe is then tutored in proper dinner roll etiquette where he and, indeed, we learn that microwaving them is bad manners but using the GT Xpress is the height of sophistication. We then take a step into the bizarre with the Garlic Bread Anecdote.

“Don’t you hate being the guy in charge of the garlic bread?” Cathy demands, resonating with all us folks who have been assigned garlic bread preparation duties at meal times. Joe agrees, growing exasperated as he remembers, remembers the pain, remembers the humiliation of how the garlic bread can either be “not done, overly done” or, worse “I sit down at the dinner table and I think… the garlic bread!” This is like his own personal Vietnam. Naturally, the GT Xpress is the solution. Although I don’t know how it would solve Joe Farago’s memory decay. Cathy then remarks how no-one needs a recipe for garlic bread but then does a u-turn and declares there’s one in her free recipe book anyway (?). WHY?

HOLY SHIT!! WON'T BURN!? AAAAAHHHH!!

This book contains, supposedly, 101 recipes. I hope you will spare me a moment to be utterly pedantic about this and why it bugs me. Now, the 101 recipes is, of course, because this product is GT Xpress 101. But what are the odds there just happened to be exactly 101 great recipes? Pretty damn low, right? So one of two things must have happened. Either there were more than 101 suitable recipes and a host of them were cut, depriving me of more things I could put cheese on or there are under 101 decent recipes and a lot of it is padding and pointless crap (like garlic bread) shoved in there to reached the magic number. Either way, we are the losers. Well not me, I wouldn’t get this if it was free.

We then return to the start, with the breakfast Cathy prepared. She basically opens it up, goes “Looks good, huh?” and close it again with no taste test. Gee, I wonder why. They quickly move onto the “commuter biscuit sandwich” as Joe pinches off a tiny piece of bread, swallows it and proclaims it the most delicious thing in the history of deliciousness.

We’re really rushing through things now, this isn’t just me getting bored of writing. Cathy practically cuts open the corn dog and wrap without stopping and we then come to what Cathy calls the “Pita Pizza.” Naturally, Joe is not allowed sample this either. Man, what’s the point of hosting a food-based infomercial if you can’t even eat the samples, am I right?

Finally, we return to the horror that is stuffed soup. Joe declares it “beautiful”, although I had a scab on my left leg that looked just like it at its grossest. Joe gets to taste and while grimacing, declares it crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside. Tostada bowls come next, but naturally, Joe doesn’t get a bite.

'No, but you see, the genius of the show was that it was Frankenstein... in college!'

He then gets visibly excited about dessert but Cathy points out that wah wah he DID forget about the garlic bread, again! Joe begins to weep before yelling out “CHARLIE!!” in his ‘Nam flashback. Actually, he basically ignores her and wants to move onto the cake, dammit.

The cakes are visibly oozing shit everywhere, but Cathy tries to convince us that “that’s what makes it good” although I have never seen a recipe for anything, anywhere, ever that encourages you to have your dish ooze. With that it’s time for some testimonials!

The people shown in these testimonials are obviously fans of Cathy Mitchell’s cooking methods as everything they make is at least 50% cheese and dairy products. After these, mercifully short, testimonials, Voice Over Guy reveals the secret of the GT Xpress’ super cooking times. It cooks from the top and the bottom, making food cook twice as fast. Just like how being DP’d gets you off twice as fast! Erm, or so I’ve heard. In church.

(I’m sorry, that was the best joke I had. Please keep visiting.)

If you order now, you’ll also get a sterilised needle. Why not, I suppose. As well as a ‘pocket maker’ and a ’shaker bottle’ (pour stuff in and shake it manually). Back to the studio, er, kitchen, Joe is flicking through the free recipe guide, shocked at there being recipes for both meat and fish. Meanwhile, Cathy cooks some chicken and some beef but somehow resists the urge to dump a truckload of cheese on each. Joe is quickly relegated back to nodding and going “Uh-huh.”

Turn leftovers into really cheesy leftovers instantly!

Now we’re treated to a Cathy Mitchell cooking challenge where she will endeavour to make a good meal with some leftovers. Would you be surprised if I told you that her idea is to reheat it and smother it in cheese? She then breaks out the cinnamon rolls, apparently the only way to get kids up in the morning. That and a swift hit with a riding crop.

We then go back through the meals, again, as Joe barely gets two bites in. With all this fried cheese being dumped on everything, I can’t believe they continue to push “healthier” as a marketing point. After all this, Joe announces he wants to try his luck at cooking up a dish. Oh God. Cathy steps out of the way and now it’s time for the Joe show!

Joe throws some salmon, that for some strange reason was already prepared, in the GT Xpress 101 along with some rice and chicken broth. Joe then declares that he has put his reputation on the line. WHAT REPUTATION!? Testimonials follow in which I’m told I can control the ingredients. Wow! Power to the people!

Back to our new lead, Joe, and his pretty damn basic grilled salmon and rice is done. Well done, yutz. Cathy declares the rice to be “almost like a pilaf” continuing her trend of trying to convince me something she makes is “almost sort of like” something good. Cathy does the taste test and, you know, she thinks its awesome. Well, she would, wouldn’t she?

'Of course, Frankenstein was actually the doctor, not the monster, so the name is actually a misnomer but still I felt we captured the integrity of the original Shelley work...'

With that, they both yammer back and forth about how impressive the GT Xpress 101 is and we end with Joe Farago thanking Cathy Mitchell for popping in and I thank whatever deity there is for ending this damnable infomercial.

(I’m SO sorry about the DP joke, you guys!)