The Total Transformation Program

Picture these events, in black and white. Your child takes a stick of gum from someone with a huge Mohawk in an alleyway. A teenage boy being restrained in the office of the world’s stuffiest principal. A pre-teen brother and sister (gasp!) argue over something stupid and inconsequential. These are the horrors of bad parenting that all of America fears is happening to them. We then segue to a warm, inviting studio where we are assured if you are the parent or otherwise legal guardian of some hellacious brats, then you are not alone and this infomercial is the solution to your woes.

Children are evil and should know how to behave. Parents are blameless and should be excused their lack of parenting skills and nuance. Emotions are for pussies. These are the lessons we will be taught today.

Before we can be even introduced to the brains behind this program, however, we get to enjoy some testimonials. Paula B., who wishes not to disclose her last name even though her face is clearly shown on this televised program, has a son who has ADD. This makes them demon spawn even though I have ADD and about the worst thing it did to me as a kid was make me stare out of the window in the morning when I should have been putting on my socks for school. Coincidentally, this is what I do a lot while I should be writing these articles but I swear it should be finished by the time you click to read more.

If your kids have minty breath, they may be taking what they call 'BG'.

Finally we’re brought to the studio, where the two most colourless, bland hosts in history, Matthew Gillen and Laura Davis say their hellos. You know, the term “black hole of charisma” is thrown about a lot so let me just say this; if charisma was beauty then our hosts would look… exactly like they do now. We then get the reveal that our hero of the day was also once a difficult child so, you see, he knows what it’s like, man. He’s been on the inside! He’s also a social worker with, get this, a degree in social work. Well, jeez, don’t drown me in qualifications, dude. I’m not saying I’m unhappy this guy is apparently qualified to do what he does but is this what passes for boasting these days? This is only slightly above Mick Hastie explaining to us that pouring liquid into mugs causes mugs to fill with liquid.

Creator of the Total Transformation Program, James Lehman, finally shows his basset hound head. Matthew starts of with some ass-kissing which when enhanced with his X-Men power to lace words with white noise, sounded like this to me; “bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.” After several attempts to rewind and listen, I finally deciphered that he was saying, basically, “James, you are the most awesome psychologist in history, yet you overcame so many obstacles to become so awesome. Don’t let my Mr. Rogers’ sweater fool you, I will have sex with you.”

Sad life story time! James was born in New York City. WHY, GOD, WHY!? Oh, it gets worse from there. When he was two and a half, his parents abandoned him in a basement. He was eventually adopted and quickly became an asshole. By “thirteen fourteen”, he was living on the streets of New York. He became an alcoholic AND a drug addict AND got sent to prison for six years. He continues on in this vein for quite some time as the director tries to inject some sense of movement by cutting to Matthew and Laura’s gravel-like faces. Finally, James wraps up his speech with an inspirational quote from Rocky IV.

I can not be defeated. I beat all man. Someday, I will beat a real champion. If he dies, he dies.

Wait, no, sorry, that wasn’t it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change.

There we go.

“Parents need help.” James states, beginning to shill his program. He knows it works because it is, apparently, the program that changed his life. This program then is not actually his but the property of the drug facility he supposed learned to ‘go straight’ at. Also, this program was so consistently successful it did not become the standard in behavioural correction across the country.

Droopy the Dog: Ace Parent

Laura Davis then tries to glance at her script but ends up staring at it for an ungodly amount of time before mumbling “What do you see is the common problem among young children?” James states their big problem is that they suck and can’t fix problems themselves. “Problems like not doing your homework. Problems like hitting your brother or sister.” Most children you see solve these problems by becoming compliant and shutting up, much like the solution to a problem like being mugged is to repress it. Asshole kids, on the other hand, train adults “and teachers” to give in. It’s blackmail, argues James.

Now we get to the meat of the argument. There’s a whole school of granola munching, flower worshipping, moon goddess praising therapy where kids are helped to feel happier and more content with the aim of improving their behaviour. Of course, James thinks this is ass-backwards and feels that kids will be happier when they SHUT THE HELL UP and do what they’re told. Matthew Gillen then lets out a noise. Just to remind us he’s still alive. I’m not impressed, Matthew.

The argument continues that bad kids need to make the first step as Laura Davis nods very slowly and sleepily. More testimonials then appear, where we are clearly told that 130 years of modern scientific psychology is stupid and that four instructional CDs are obviously correct. From what I can gather, it seems James Lehman’s philosophy is to stick to whatever punishment you give your ill-tempered brat. Duh. I could have told you that.

Back to the studio, Matthew tries to ask a question then I woke up and I was already halfway through typing this article. I tried to listen to him again, then I realised it was three months later and I was being felt up in an alleyway in Guadalajara. Judging from James’ answer, however, I assume he was asking why parents suck at reigning in children. James basically tells us it’s because parents are stupid and just kind of sit around waiting for the perfect child to appear, which is a lot like how I write these articles. Even when they don’t get the ideal child, they just act as if it is, allowing the child to go off the rails. Again, just like my articles. And so parents don’t get the skills they need to make a popular and often read child who people will subscribe to, then they can pump their child full of Google ads and retire and this metaphor is making me depressed. Screw this.

Laura: 'Is it just me or is it getting HOT in here since you arrived James?'
Matthew: 'What is this stirring between my legs since James arrived? I could have sworn I was a eunuch.'

The Total Transformation Program supposedly shows easier solutions than giving in. Seeing as giving in is basically the act of doing squat, I would love to know how this is so. Perhaps this solution is to go on one of those Jenny Jones episodes where all the kids go off to boot camp and cry a lot. Another testimonial follows where a couple whine about how their experiences with their other kids didn’t apply directly to their bastard of a child. So, obviously the solution is a generic solution available to every parent on the continent. You see how that works?

James then tells us what the Total Transformation is; a step by step guide to telling your child to shut up and do what you say, basically. Of course, the exact nature of how this works is shrouded in fog so you have to order this thing. He then becomes the John Beck of psychology by explaining that this is all really simple and obvious, but you should really consider paying him to tell you anyway. He then remarks that he’s made a program so simple his own (insinuated by this statement to be moronic) adoptive parents could have followed it, if he had travelled back in time with Doc Brown in some sort of Back to the Future side story to deliver the Total Transformation to his parents before he reached the age of “thirteen fourteen.”

See, the thing is, James Lehman claims to basically have magic phrases. He will apparently teach you exactly what to say to your child in any given situation. Voice Over Guy then graces us with his presence to inform us if we order this program before the infomercial ends, we will also the free gift of James Lehman’s ONE MINUTE TRANSFORMATION. I assume it’s a machete or some form of pistol.

Back in the studio, James argues that you need to squash these tendencies hard, whether they are genuine mental illnesses or not as employers don’t care what the reason for your lack lustre job performance is. He also argues that ALL blame lies on the child, for being a born jerk. He also makes it clear that in court, judges do not make allowances for mental illnesses, which is news to me.

Laura Davis makes these kind of facial reactions throughout the entire infomercial yet remains the most boring person since, well, Matthew Gillen.

We also hear that society is being unfair to parents as just because they’re the legal and moral guardians of children and are usually legally obliged to raise them doesn’t mean they should bare any blame for anything their children do because, hey, you weren’t born with magic parenting powers, am I right? Except for those few that don’t raise drug addicts, they must have this power.

We then cut back to Matthew who… something… must stay awake… Laura states that the Total Transformation Program WILL work or you will get your money back. Of course, results may vary. Another testimonial then tries to sweeten the deal by literally likening this program to a “magic pill.” Wow.

James explains that when children and adults argue, the parents are usually left holding the bag. But it’s the kid who should be holding bags. Bag holding is not an activity for parents. James calls this “the bag of unfinished homework.” I’m not sure of any parents carrying a sack of unfinished homework but I don’t have my masters in “social worker.”

Laura then asks what James would say to those parents scared to call, scared it won’t work, scared their demon spawn will beat them just for watching this paid programming? James gets very technical here, explaining that, erm, you should just try it anyway. Thanks, James.

'Well, if you, like, hang all of them, then they'll, you know, stop talking back.'

We end with what appears to be a recap of this entire infomercial which I wish was the only part they broadcast as this thing was so much filler. James Lehman used the sentence “I will tell you exactly what to say” at least four million times in this infomercial. We end with the awesome legal disclaimer that I was not watching a sales pitch these last 30 minutes but actually just James Lehman’s opinions, man. What? You thought terms like “This WILL work and if not, we will give you your money back” implied it could work? Oh, you so silly.