Magic Bullet To Go

This infomercial was captured using the power of Homeland Houseware’s Youtube Channel so don’t be mad at me that the image quality sucks, okay? Tell them to post things in a higher resolution.

The Magic Bullet returns, but it’s better than ever. Ingenious, but press shy, inventor Mick Hastie obviously knows no rest because after releasing his potentially fatal device he seemingly locked himself away looking for a way to make it even easier to maim those nearest and dearest to you. And at last, he succeeded.

The Magic Bullet To Go is an example of design genius. It is, basically, the Original Magic Bullet with a giant sturdy battery attached to the base. Now you don’t even have to be at home for some easily-equatable-to-a-vibrator action. Most of the old cast is back too but with some updates, so before we begin, let’s take a look at the cast list for the Magic Bullet To Go!

The Cast of the Magic Bullet To Go
	Mick Hastie. Trapped in his never-defined relationship with Mimi Umidon, Mick Hastie returns as ringleader of the Magic Bullet troupe and tries to convince us he’s a hiker. Yep. Eats lots of fart-inducing foods earning Mimi’s ire.
	Mimi Umidon. Who else could tell Mick Hastie that he’s overweight and enjoys too much curry powder? Also uses her powers to uncover lookalike Tina’s embarrassing secrets. Easily scares Dino with suggestions of omelettes and dessert.
	Berman. The horrifically alcohol dependant Berman staggers into the camp long enough to forget anything the Magic Bullet had done for him in their previous encounter. He also has sex with Hazel.
	Tina. Her excellent work as an overreacting tard obviously earned plaudits with Mick Hastie as Tina has now been promoted to ’stooge.’ Suddenly knowledgable and intelligent, she backs up the Magic Bullet at every turn while looking down her nose at her latest toy-boy, Dino.
	Hazel. Hazel returns! She was not originally invited on this trip, it seems, but actively hunted down Berman, presumably with the aid of a GPS, purely to have sex with him and borrow his socks. Is as gravel voiced as ever.
	Dino. Homeland Houseware’s policies against discrimination mean that Ike is out and Dino is Tina’s new squeeze despite him being portrayed as the stupidest man in all creation. In fact, they say God made man in his image, but if God is anything like Dino, we’re boned.
	Barney. After the previous background couple of Fred and Wilma were ditched, Homeland Housewares went through some rigorous screening (ie. get someone who looks vaguely like Barney Rubble) to find the new male half of this couple. A horribly emasculated man, Barney believes his wife Betty only stays with him because she likes to see him cry.
	Betty. With Tina promoted for her efforts in the last Magic Bullet infomercial, it’s newcomer Betty who has to play the role of doubting fool this time around. When someone is needed to shake their head or volunteer for extra work the Magic Bullet removes the need for, Betty is there.

Things kick off with us being asked the same basic questions as the first Magic Bullet infomercial, but with strange qualifiers tacked on. “How would you like to make a five minute meal… on a boat!” or “How would you like a five minute pasta… in your nuclear bunker after North Korea drop the bomb!” and “How about a three second salsa… at your favourite camp site in the middle of the woods!” If any of this sounds at all appealing then you need… a lobotomy! Also helpful might be the Magic Bullet To Go which is, and the voice over readily admits this, just a Magic Bullet with a battery. The future is here.

“Now you can do small everyday jobs like chopping garlic and onions…” outside. I guess that’s a way to cut down on smell. Other benefits? The Magic Bullet To Go can be used up to 50 times without charging. Which, seeing as each job lasts only 5-7 seconds, gives the Magic Bullet To Go a battery life of 5 minutes 50 seconds. And, get this, it is also RECHARGEABLE! Wow, you’ve really got your finger on the pulse there, Mick Hastie.

It then proceeds to shill, just like last time, the party mugs! Sadly, they neither advertise that pouring liquid into mugs causes liquid to pour into mugs or that the colour coded plastic rings on each mug allows you to keep track of your drink.

Things finally really kick off with Mick and Mimi walking into a camp site, a bunch of their buddies, some familiar, some not so, query as to where they were all day. A heh heh heh. Actually, Mick expects me to believe they hiked over a mountain. I can buy Mimi Umidon doing this, because she no doubt has WalkFit orthotics in her shoes, but spongy Mich Hastie? Nah.

...and they all became the Brady Bunch!

Anyway, Mick’s worked up an appetite coming up with lies like that, so offers to make a smoothie (?) when BERMAN makes his return, sarcastically asking whether Mick will use his, and he uses finger quotes here, “Magic Bullet” to make them. Berman, who seemed won over by the Magic Bullet in the past, seems to have renewed hostile relations with the kitchen top marvel. Probably because he realised he was tricked into consuming broccoli by it when last they met. Mick responds by going “Yes, duh.” and pulling the Magic Bullet (To Go!) out of Mimi’s backpack. *cough*Sex toy*cough* Quiet, you.

Everyone is now very puzzled as to how the Magic Bullet will function, never hearing of a battery. This allows the newbies (Barney, Betty and Dino, continuing a string of Flintstones references started with the couple Fred and Wilma in the original infomercial), and Berman, to act incredulous while Magic Bullet veteran Tina wisely advices her new beau Dino to let it go. Mick proceeds to blend up a smoothie as EVERYONE LOOKS AROUND IN AMAZEMENT TO FIND WHERE THE POWER CORD IS HIDDEN. Dino, shocked at this sorcery, literally pulls Tina in front of him as a human shield and yelps “Whoa, that is magic!” Giving Mick a chance to go “It is! The MAGIC Bullet, that is!” Oh ho ho ho ho. Git.

With the secret revealed, everyone turns and smiles, trying to assure themselves and their friends they knew it was a battery all along and that they weren’t seriously going to burn Mick and Mimi at the stake. We’re into familiar Magic Bullet territory as Mimi queries Dino as to what type of omelette he wants, despite him neither asking for one or showing any interest in one. Which may explain why his response is, basically, “Wu- duh?” Luckily, Tina who seems to have gone from uber-spaz to Magic Bullet Spetsnaz between infomercials, lets us know Dino likes a Denver omelette.

Are onions fine, Dino? “Wu- duh?” With that, Tina is forced to jump in again “Yes, onions are fine.” As the omelette is poured into a pan and cooked over a camp fire, Berman the Vermin demands to know if the Magic Bullet To Go can make him a cup of joe. Jesus, Berman, did you pay attention to the first infomercial at all? Anyway, pleased at the prospect of fresh Magic Bullet coffee, Berman prepares to dump an entire pot of “swill” before Mick stops him. After all, with some ice, chocolate syrup and milk even swill-like coffee can become a delicious frozen mocha drink. Right? RIGHT!?

Yeah, maybe you'll use your 'Magic Bullet' and maybe I'll have a 'shower.'

Then as Mimi serves up Dino’s Denver omelette, a craggy, wizened voice pipes up; “Omelette? That’s not camping food!” Oh, yes, it’s Hazel!! But Hazel wasn’t invited (I wonder why) so everyone wonders what tent she’s crawled out of. The mystery is quickly solved as she throws Berman a pair of socks, pats him on the back and says “Thanks for the socks, big boy!” Everyone goes “Eww!” as I ponder the use of socks as emergency condoms. With the entire party complete, save for Fred and Wilma and who cares about those two anyway, Mick and Mimi prepare pancakes for Hazel and Tina. Mick then reveals he ‘only’ had to charge the Magic Bullet To Go for 2 hours to get the 50 maximum uses out of it. Where is all that electricity going!?

Mick and Mimi give their usual spiel where they say you’ll use it every single day. This time it’s newcomer Betty who is the heathen but Tina sneaks up from behind and snaps her neck. Actually, she just responds that it does SO work. Betty wants evidence, however, and Mick responds by asking what the most difficult job in the kitchen is. Oooh, ooh, chopping garlic? “Stinky, nasty garlic”?

Great Scott, they actually say it is garlic, again! Barney cries that Betty always makes him chop the garlic but Mick shows his crying days are over (from garlic at least, Barney seems like he has many other issues that need to be explored) but he’s still not satisfied, wondering if the Magic Bullet will work for onions too. Shock, it does. Mick then actually keeps continuity, reminding us he likes spicy foods before beginning to prepare his famous Three Bean Texas Chilli.

Betty is now completely won over, and acting like she’s on Prozac. I think Tina has been working her over in the background. We continue to thread familiar ground as Mick and Mimi cram some leftovers together and presents it as, not sadly, gourmet chicken salad, but as the contents of a delicious chicken quesadilla. Mimi then prepares an egg salad sandwich which Dino is visibly a little too excited about. The quesadilla is now ready and despite their being only four slices, Mick proclaims it “enough for everyone!” Uh huh. He then proceeds to pour his chilli onto a pile of tortilla chips before dumping grated cheese onto the concoction. Been watching Cathy Mitchell much, Mick? Everyone prepares to dig in, but Mimi warns us to save room for dessert.

Berman's already got his eye on dessert.

“Dessert!? You’re kidding!?” yelps Dino, who appears to be legitimately spooked at this turn of events. And who can blame him? As a child he was savaged by a wild apple crumble and his mind has, obviously, never fully recovered from the experience. Mick prepares and serves Dino the same chocolate moose he made in the last infomercial as Dino says “Who would have thought you could have moose in the woods.” prompting Tina to roll her eyes in disdain. Don’t turn away, newly intelligent Tina, don’t you see, he’s you! Help him help himself! With that, Mick announces it’s time to hit the beach and so we do, right after Voice Over Man has his say.

It’s pretty much the same as the opening spiel, except we DO get to hear about how the colour coded rings help you to keep track of your beverages! I’m sorry for doubting you, Homeland Housewares, you really are incredibly lame.

We return to our group, now at the beach, in time for Mick and Mimi’s famous 15 minute party. Lame. Even my parties last at least an hour. Mick earns himself my burning hatred on a level I usual reserve for Tony O’Donnell as he breaks out “Bob’s your uncle, Fannie’s your aunt” AGAIN, when making salsa. Mimi then announces that a party needs dips, just in time for the biggest dip of all, Dino, to let out this fantastic line.

Oh oh oh oh! What what about… um… the green junk!

“Guacamole?” Mimi asks. “YEAH!” is Dino’s sole reply. Seconds later, guacamole is served and according to Mimi, tastes delicious. “Unlike that junk you get at the grocery store!” Betty chimes in. See? She’s learning, stop hitting her, Tina. Mimi then announces it’s time for Berman’s favourite, frozen drinks, prompting a positively Jack Black-like “Yeeeeeeeah!!” from our portly love machine. Betty offers to “find” some glasses, but it’s totally unnecessary due to the “self blending party mugs” the Magic Bullet To Go comes with. Mimi’s offer of a virgin margarita to Tina prompts much blushing on her part. Woo hoo, now there’s a story I want on the big screen! Meanwhile, Berman loves piña coladas (and getting caught in the rain) while Betty samples a peach dacouri. Mick then suddenly announces everyone should hurry up with this damn party because “the game” is going to be on soon as we fade out.

Of course, if you take it up the pooper, you're still technically a virgin. I'm just saying it's an option, Tina.

We suddenly return to Mick and Mimi, without the rest of the crew, now in some parking lot outside a stadium. I thought Mick wanted to watch the game, but I didn’t know he wanted to drive from the beach to the stadium with 15 minutes. Some random guy, who looks like a slim Seth Rogen, goes “Mick and Mimi, you’re so awesome.” or something like that before wandering off to star in something, anything, involving pot. This is where Mick Hastie shows off the blender attachment, like in the previous incarnation of this infomercial. And then… what? That’s it? Yep, Mick invites everyone to dig in and we’re pretty much done. That was very sudden, huh? Lazy gits can’t even be bothered to end their own works properl