Jack LaLanne Power Juicer

Juicing, the art of obtaining juice from fresh fruit and vegetables, was a great fad in infomercials just a few years back but the craze is pretty much dead by now. However, one man continues to struggle valiantly against the waves.

Jack LaLanne, fitness guru and really quite old guy, has been hawking his Power Juicer for quite a while now and continues to do so. Although most people nowadays probably only know him from his 30 second Simpsons guest spot, he’s had quite a career. The chain of fitness centres he founded became Bally Total Fitness and in 1984, when he was 70, handcuffed and shackled, he fought strong winds and currents as he swam one and a half miles while towing 70 boats with 70 people from the Queen’s Way Bridge in the Long Beach Harbor to the Queen Mary!

In other words, I’m not going to make fun of him. He’ll bloody kill me. However, as this infomercial proves, his diabolical wife has no such compunction and her, “celebrity host” Forbes Riley and their bloody juicer are fair game. Join me as we take a look at the Jack LaLanne Power Juicer!

Hint: If you have to tell everyone someone is a celebrity, they're probably not.

We’re quickly introduced to our host, Forbes Riley (famous for, and I’m not making this up, roles as Reporter #1 AND Reporter #2 in the TV series 24. Now that’s versatility right there) through a selection of model head shots. Uh, okay. It’s not about you, Forbes, it’s about the juice.

Jack and Elaine LaLanne then make their grand appearances, Jack in a blue body suit which, thankfully, does not hug the body as much as it did in his younger days. I am sparing you the obvious Elaine LaLanne joke until I get desperate for something to write about.

Now, this is supposedly Jack’s infomercial but everyone talks over him all the time and then poor Jack has to try and grab the reigns of this conversation and bring it back under control. Here, Jack starts to tell us about how juicing is important when suddenly Elaine pops her visage into frame and declares “He’s been doing it since he was 16, you know!”, throwing the poor git completely off his train of thought. “16? Wow!” is Forbes wonderfully clinical and condescending response. Jack is then forced to take back control of the topic but under these conniving harpies rules. He now talks about how he was a weak, sickly kid before he started drinking juice. He attended a health lecture, you see, went home and got rid of the sugar and cake he was eating. Even in the 1920’s or 30’s didn’t people know an all cake diet was nothing but trouble?

“You really have helped my life!” declares Forbes and then, suddenly, there’s a screen flash and she says “I feel so much better when I juice!”. There’s a cut there for some reason. What did Forbes say between these two sentences that were deemed unsuitable for broadcast? “You really have helped my life! Sending me to homosexual rehabilitation camp allowed me to repress my sinful urges with only the occasional suicide attempt!” or perhaps “Ever since you got me addicted to horse steroids, I feel so much better when I juice!”? Jack lets us know the goodness comes from putting raw, vital foods in our bodies and then some testimonials appear, which don’t help the easy-to-make “juicing = drugs” comparisons by telling us about how good it feels, the adrenaline it provides, how quick and easy it is and you can use it on your ass so there’s no scars on your arms. Okay, maybe not that last one.

Will you two just SHUT UP!? If that's not what he's thinking, there's something wrong with all of us.

We cut back and Elaine is already using her Power Juicer. Jesus Christ, woman, couldn’t you wait? Some sickly, radioactive looking pulp is dribbling out of the juicer as Jack tells us we should have at least five “vestebles” (that’s “vegetables” in Jack LaLanne speak) and four pieces of fruit. Then we have the race off as Jack declares he will time Elaine in juicing her fruits and vestebles. It takes 17 seconds to juice the five vestebles, trivia fans. Forbes declares this sickly mixture, including a potato, is delicious. Jack tries to get a word in edgewise but is basically shouted down. Poor guy. We then move onto the fruits, which takes 22 seconds.

After some testimonials, Forbes Riley tells us she has juiced all her life but before using the Power Juicer, did not do as much as she liked because it’s such a pain peeling and chopping fruits. This is the same Forbes Riley that three minutes ago expressed astonishment when Elaine LaLanne managed to juice a tomato without hitting it with a hammer first so I guess she must have been juicing a lot since we saw those testimonials for her statement to make any sense.

Another race is lined up as Forbes, with her Brand X juicer will race Jack with his mighty Power Juicer. “Make sure you turn it on.” scoffs Forbes as she prepared to race, sure her old juicer will win despite her constant fellatio of the Power Juicer as a loud humming noise fills the silence. “It is on!” declares Elaine haughtily. FACE, Forbes! Honestly, there’s only one thing that reminds me of and it’s that Simpsons parody “I Can’t Believe They Invented It”.

The contest is a non starter, sadly, as Forbes protests her juicer is too small and she has to cut up her apples and, God, it’s SO UNFAIR! Much mockery of poor Forbes ensues as the two now compare pulp sizes (!). Jack’s pulp is much smaller, meaning he is better, much better than you, Forbes.

It's delicious AND good for you!

Forbes then makes her case for costume designer on the Wizard of Oz by building an impressive strawman for Jack to knock down; buying juice at the store. Jack declares you need a PhD in literature to read the ingredients on bottles of juice. Which, if he has a high school degree, may not be far from the truth considering his continually hopeless attempts to say “vegetables”. We then cut to an old person swinger party. Yay! They’re all drinking Jack LaLanne Power Juicer juice to give their bodies the vitality they need to… I mean, the energy they need… the adrenaline they… They’re drinking juice.

“I didn’t need to eat lunch after drinking that juice” declares one old bat, thus making a great pitch to the anorexic crowd. Another old man tells us we need to understand what we’re eating and the nutritious value of it. Which sounds great but this guys idea of knowledge is just to declare all fruits and vegetables universally good and then turn them into juice because his teeth are either weak, gone or are fake.

Back in the studio, Elaine looks to be groping her husband but quickly pushes him out of frame to plug a recipe she invented. Here is the complicated recipe. One carrot, one apple, one ginger. Mash it together. Serve. Forbes then declares that the leftover pulp which Jack implied earlier went into your drink to ensure maximum health gains from your juice but in fact seems to be stored in the machine somewhere, can be used to make muffins (!) and… “other great things”. The Power Juicer is also dishwasher safe. Erm, in most dishwashers at least. Oh, and don’t put the motorised parts in it. The motorised parts being the actual juicer itself, I imagine.

Forbes then tells us that juicing will make us ready for all life throws at us, and will also make us better looking! Voice Over Man then takes this even further by claiming it will make you “look and feel younger”! After that, all you need to do is forge a new birth certificate and you’re good for eternity. We also (finally) get more uses for pulp (the pulp catcher is treated as a food processor, by the way. Two machines in one the narrator declares!) as we can also make yummy pulp pasta and pulp cakes.

Pulp muffins! The ass-to-mouth of baked treats!

The Jack LaLanne Power Juicer doesn’t cost $500, $300 or even $200 dollars but only four payments of $49.95! In other words, $199.80. Hah, Jack LaLanne you have some balls for that “not even $200″ shtick, I’ll give you that. But wait! Call within the next 20 minutes and we’ll be spared a payment, making the price $149.85. Which means the only real way the “not even $200″ claim is not misleading is if you take advantage of a supposedly limited in time offer. But wait, there’s more! To celebrate Jack’s birthday (normally September 26th, I guess we’re doing it early this year), you can also save an additional fifty bucks. Hoorah!

Over 60 “recipe cards” (a $25 value, if you’re gullible) are also included, free of charge. And don’t be afraid to ask for the more expensive Power Juicer Deluxe! Jack cuts in for a quick moment to let us know that juicing will save our lives, a claim which is likely not FDA approved at the least.

We cut back to the studio and surprise, surprise, Elaine LaLanne wants more attention. She has another recipe, based on fruits this time. Forbes tries to tell us how giving our kids fresh juice is a good idea but Elaine quickly cuts her off to demand a critique of her recipe (!), Forbes declares it delicious, which satisfies Elaine’s bloodthirsty spirit. For now. We then go back to testimonials but not any old testimonials, celebrity testimonials. Superstars such as Bobbie Sue Luther (whose name is so hickish I can’t even make up a worse one, even Billy Bob Bucktooth pales in comparison) and Shar Jackson. Who are these people? We also see a teacher use her juicer in class which raises my rage as some brat goes “Does the juice come from that hole?” as he points at… juice coming from the hole in the juicer. Why, yes, it does, you stupid little brat, you’re looking at it! Now sit down and shut up! God! I hate kids. “I want all of it” the same kid yells later. Someone hit him!

Get in, apple! Seriously, someone tries to stuff this in an old juicer.

Forbes begins to show off her own recipe this time, her “Strawberry Surprise” but you’ll notice that Elaine keeps throwing backhanded compliments at her as she does this. “You’re doing a great job, a heh heh.” she says, hiding behind her husband. Elaine LaLanne is an evil woman. Jack declares that he’s “drooling like a hundred puppies” (!) which sounds very wrong somehow. We cut to more testimonials and shilling as the group sample their drinks. The surprise by the way was the secret ingredient of sparkling water. Surprise!

We wrap things up with Jack singing the end song from his old television show on Elaine’s request while she cackles (!!) in the background.

“Thank you, you’re great” says Jack as we ends things. Damn straight I am after watching this for 27 minutes.