FoodSaver Vacuum System

Everyone hates leftovers, am I right? You bring them home, they sit around for a while, passed over for more appetising and/or complete meals and then you throw them out when the microbes that have since formed on your beans seem right on the cusp of sentience. Don’t let them evolve, people, keep Earth for Earthians!

The one casualty in all of this, however, is the food. You made it. Or ordered it. Or didn’t really request it at all but someone else in your home slapped it down in front of you anyway. Now you’re not eating it and it’s going to turn into a small fungus farm until you dispose of it. Starving children in African would love to be in your shoes, you know, they only get to handle them while stitching them together for 4 cents a year.

But while you can’t help starving tykes in Africa (well, you can, but why bother?), you can help the food on your plate with the FoodSaver Vacuum Saver, the saver of food. It’s kind of like Baywatch, but for pork chops.

Air is the enemy! Kill a tree today!

Now, you might be thinking “Hey, I have foil, that does the job, right?” and you’d be right, unless you want to keep your food for a year or two. You see, just like we had the Soviets, the Japanese, the Spanish and the French, we have found a new enemy to pin all our problems on; oxygen. Air is the enemy of freshness and it must be destroyed! We need non-breathing space!

With it’s “smart upright design” (?), the Food Saver also takes up less space. Than what? I don’t know, as they never tell you, but it takes up less space than something, god damn it. I’m already impressed. One testimonial even brags that they use their Food Saver more than their toaster. Get out! I don’t believe in nuthin’ no more! Want more proof, then we’re going to join a hungry family and not some actors as they put the Food Saver through its paces.

Our lovely couple, comprised of infomercial veteran Beau Rials and his wife Leane announce that the rest of the family has arrived just in time for their little experiment. While I’m picturing mass sexual deviancy or, more quaintly, alien anal probes, a wonderfully John McCain-like family member named Joe interrupts my train of thought with “An experiment? What are ya, a scientist!?” The sheer venom and hatred this man shows for science is fantastic. He is placated, however, when our female explains that this will help stretch the food budget further, allowing more ravenous feasts for all.

Anyway, Beau and Lanae bring out some stinky food they kept around for the sole purpose of showing it to family members. As everyone grosses out, Lanae brings out “the same food” (only, you know, different) but fresh thanks to the revolutionary, new, super, amazing, orgasm enducing FoodSaver Vacuum System (or as Beau ALWAYS calls it, the “FoodSaver Vacuum System with SmartSeal Technology). Judith, the non-male family member, wonders if it’s hard to use, but of course, Lanae assures her, and us, it’s not only easy but FUN too. Hooray!

What? All food from El Burrito Loco looks like that anyway.

They then bring out a batch of steaks and proclaim no-one, no way, no how, can eat all of these, so to save money, they’re going to vacuum seal them. Now you might be wondering why would they buy so much steak in the first place if they’re looking to save money (and no, there’s not enough there to suggest they bought it in bulk). Well, that’s a good question, moving on.

Okay, so this is how it works. You put the food in a bag, and the open end of the bag in the FoodSaver. The contraption then sucks out the air while making an almighty whirring noise that forces Beau to yell even more than he usually does. Then you wait until a light turns off, then you can remove it. Wow, that IS fun! It’s like a million blow jobs at the same time! Well, maybe it would feel like that if you actually put your tallywhacker in there. Try it sometime. (Disclaimer: Don’t try it sometime)

They then wail about their $15 worth of cheese being covered in mould. Dude, it’s cheese, half of the types of it is supposed to be mouldy anyway. Are you sure you just didn’t pick up some Stilton cheese or something? After some tedious cheese work involving unsealing, cutting and resealing, Beau quizzes Judith and awards her a (purely verbal) gold star.

Joe is almost impressed but preaches that he’s a hunter and a fisherman and there’s no way you can fit a grizzly bear or dolphin into this fancy east coast elitist FoodSaver thing. Luckily, Beau just happens to have two fresh identical unbagged pieces of fresh-cut king salmon on the table (!) so it’s time to have us a little race. Beau shows the bags can be as long as you want, although I’m not sure that will help Joe cram in a whole deer, as that’s what he likes to hunt. Anyway, spolier; FoodSaver wins, but not before Beau refers to bagging food as “arcane” (I guess he means archaic) and from “the dark ages.” Combining the two makes me think of something out of the Cthulu mythos or something, rather than poor food sealing skills.

'Joe, do you know who ate the cookies from the cookie jar?'

After some more testimonials and the price reveal (3 payments of $57.99!!), we return to find our quartet has become a quintet with the arrival of ever-smiling old biddy, Betty, and her banana bread, which she clutches to her bosom like a suckling child. My baby, don’t take away my baby! Beau and Joe get into an argument over whether the FoodSaver can crush cans by sucking the air out of a bag of them. Beau wins, of course, but the real winner is Joe as the blissful smile that creeps across his face observing this aluminium carnage is perverse in its creepiness. I’m pretty sure he needs a change of pants after that.

Betty proclaims this can crushing device has shown itself not to have the delicate touch that banana bread needs, or words to that effect. Beau and Lanae demand the banana bread to experiment on, shocking Betty to her core. With some gentle coaxing, Betty hands over her baby, which Beau then proceeds to slice up. You fool, Betty! This is why social services took away your first, actual child!

When the banana bread is perfectly preserved, however, Betty realises this will be great for her grandkids. Uh, because she can make even more bread, not because she wants to preserve them too. I hope. Now Judith wonders if she could afford this magical piece of kitchen-based amazement but Beau counters that, all together now, you can’t afford NOT to have the FoodSaver Vacuum System with SmartSeal Technology.

After some more general bragging, we’re told how it’s so easy to vacuum seal fresh coffee in specially made canisters. Joe is not outraged, much to my dismay. He should wailing on those fancy Ivy League dictators with their fresh, unpronounceable coffee. Cappuccino? What the hell is that? Foreign talk? Why don’t you go and shoot a deer like a real American, you SISSY!? In another batch of testimonials, one Terry Gritzan boasts about how nice the containers look stacked together. That’s very nice and all, but I don’t see what you’re trying to tell me, Terry.

Tomorrow's headline: Betty's Banana Bread Baby Baked by Beau

When we come back, a new member of the party, Alisa, walks in, saying, word for word “Hey, did I hear something about a FoodSaver system?” I don’t know, Alisa. Did you? It’s revealed Alisa actually has a FoodSaver Vacuum System with SmartSeal Technology, but that hers sucks compared to this version currently for sale right now. We now get the “endless possibilities” spiel where we can learn you can also vacuum seal things like spoons and money. Wow! Keep them spoons fresh!

Beau now reckons that Joe’s looking a mite peaky, so he fixes him up with a marinated steak. Just go with it, or we’ll be here all night. By sucking air out of a canister of meat and teriyaki sauce, the pores of the meat will be infused with teriyaki flavour, or something. Testimonial-ite Kate Stewart lets us know it cuts down on marinating time by “a zillion percent.” How many zeroes is that again? Back to Joe, who proclaims his newly marinated steak to be the best he ever tasted, which I thought surely can’t ALL be down to the marinating powers of the FoodSaver Vacuum System with SmartSeal Technology but that’s why I don’t work for NASA, I guess.

Wrapping things up, Beau reminds us we can’t negotiate the price of gasoline (unless you have a gun), but you can buy food on the cheap and preserve it. Everyone agrees that the FoodSaver is awesome and even Alisa agrees to upgrade as things come to a close with the usual final testimonials and shilling.

Even family reunions are falling prey to ethnic diversity!

One final thought. Alisa, the woman with an older FoodSaver, seems so impressed in this infomercial about how this device seals food and keeps its fresh. It makes you wonder, how bad was the old FoodSaver that this version seems so unrepentantly awesome? Maybe she bought a breadbox by mistake? Just a little something to think about.