SMC

Do you know who have it easy? Gift shop folk. You just buy a bunch of cheap chintzy crap, add some seasonal charm based on the month (July; 4th of July. October; Hallowe’en. The other 10 months; Christmas), resell them for three times the going price and you’re rolling in the dough. It’s just so easy. In these hectic days when everything from housing, to food production to pornography is cutting corners and losing business, gift store ornaments of dubious intrinsic worth thrive. Screw the meek, the gift shop shall inherit the earth at this rate.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “John, I have statistics that prove…” “John, government analysis says…” “John, the results say you ARE the father…” But you know what? I don’t want to hear it. You see, we have here one Tom Bosley (TOM BOSLEY!) who backs up all this, lending his name to the Specialty Merchandise Corporation (SMC) and I’m sure as hell not going to let you call Mr. C a liar.

Sadly, our host for this pitch is not Tom Bosley (TOM BOSLEY!) himself but a Drew Carey lookalike who I’m sure is not Drew Carey (and in fact, I can’t find a name for him at all, to my eternal shame). But first we’re asked some very important questions. Would you like to make more money? Hell yeah! Would you like to work your own hours? Well, duh. Would you like to spend more time with your family? …

I guess two out of three isn’t bad.

Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks! Ohio-o-o-o-o...

Not Drew Carey (which I will call him for the remainder of this article) assures us SMC carries high demand items that are guaranteed to make you money. These include those perennial money spinners; frosted glass golfers and plaster dolphins. Not Drew then reiterates, this is an easy to get into, guaranteed to be successful business before palming us off to Kerry Cox, Vice President Marketing.

Now, while I’m one billion percent sure that Kerry Cox is a porn moniker (and I’m pretty sure I’ve seen most of her work), sadly this Kerry Cox is a small bearded man who tells us important, but uninteresting, things like that SMC has over 3,000 items to sell. He also gives us a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it scrolling list of places to sell this cheap mass-produced crap lovingly hand-crafted Americana including “Home Parties” (“Happy Birthday! Those plates you’re eating off of? 20 bucks, please.”) and “Kiosk” (Yeah, just let me get my kiosk out of the closet and I’ll start. Would anyone buy a ceramic horse from a kiosk? Really?).

Kerry also promises us a Personal Business Coach To Help You Succeed!, showing us a picture of an old man on a phone with a certificate in the background. So you know he has his BS in Personal Business Coach and didn’t just fall into the career right out of high school. We’re also informed that SMC will ship the items directly to your customer from their warehouse under your name, so they never know you’re grifting them making an honest profit.

While they don’t really focus on that point, this is really the core of the SMC theory. You will sell SMC items and pretend you got them from somewhere else. The customer, being none the wiser, thinks they are buying from a local business and you and Not Drew Carey split the profits (Of course, it doesn’t quite work out that way but even in this “perfect world” scenario there’s a degree of dishonesty I find interesting).

I don't like SMC, but I'll say this. They have some serious balls.

We then move onto some success stories where I’m supposed to be empowered by the likes of Harvey Martin who somehow conspired to get himself burdened with $150,000 worth of credit card debt and then made easy money doing little to no work and now owns a helicopter and a dinosaur or some shit.

Back to Not Drew Carey as he tells us SMC gives us the power of an all powerful corporation into my puny mortal hands. You fools! Now I have the power! Bwahahaha! If only I had more weapons at my disposal than chintzy windmills and $10 razors. In fact, Not Drew Carey tells us, SMC’s prices are so low you’ll think they have brain damage (a little Simpsons reference there) that you can sell these products to wholesalers and still make fantastic profits.

After another testimonial, we’re introduced to SMC Business Coaches including Jeff Nelson, the very same old man shown in the photo earlier and Zoe Cain who tells us that SMC is the most amazing business opportunity out there, surely earning herself an angry rebuttal from Jeff Paul and John Beck.

SMC Success Story Bill Romine tells us how he rented a corner of an antique shop (…) and started making money hand over fist before opening up, like, nine stores of his own over south California. And now he’s rich, successful but still has a truly ghastly ponytail. Money can’t buy class, you see.

This isn't the worst hair in the world, but it's up there.

As they shill the phone number, Tom Bosley (TOM BOSLEY!) finally appears to tell me to pick up the phone, I have nothing to lose (and everything to gain), et cetera. This is obviously cribbed from the much earlier versions of these infomercials which Tom Bosley (TOM BOSLEY!) did in fact appear on. I wonder why he’s not there in person any more.

Drew then gives us the cliff notes version of SMC history. Apparently it was founded over 50 years ago with the sole purpose of helping ordinary slobs like you make money. Wow, these guys need a Nobel Prize or Sainthood or something! Even Mother Teresa only fed the poor. Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Allow a man to rent a corner of an antique store and sell scented candles and he’ll eat for a lifetime, while relaxing in his beach house in Panama.

Another testimonial comes from one Mario Sanchez. It’s all very rags to riches stuff. Mario was a waiter, he saw an SMC infomercial, he made $1,000 in his first day. Now he has three stores and employs child labour as the screenshot below will show you. He also imparts to us the secret of success; be your own boss and have fun. Like hell I will.

Drew tells us that SMC gives us the bessssst of both worlds, chillin’ out, take it slow then you rock out the show! You get the best of both worl– sorry. He doesn’t tell us what he means by this, just yakking about how many places you can start at and how cheap it is to get in to this wonderful business opportunity (as little as under $25 and a few decades worth of hard selling phone calls exclusive offers (Man, I’m getting good use out of the strikethrough button today) that just happen to cost a hell of a lot more than 25 buckaroos).

You get the best of both worlds! When you employ under age you can pay under minimum wage!

We return to Kerry Cox (Vice President Marketing, not adult movie star) who tells us more about how wonderful their business coaches are before telling us some of their customers are making money and still don’t know how to sell (!). Now that’s good coaching (It is for SMC because the coaching is only free for the first 60 days so actually teaching you anything before you pony up some ludicrous training fee is out of the question).

Yet another terminally boring testimonial comes and goes wherein Louise and Steve White opened up a coffee shop (what’s wrong with calling it a café anyway?) but it tanked until they started selling SMC products. They should have just got some Wi-Fi and a two cup minimum, I say. Get in some beatniks, have a poetry jam (or slam or yam or whatever the hell they call it) and you’re set.

Back to Not Drew and he tells us that SMC shows us “nearly a dozen” ways to make money with a small business. Nearly a dozen? What the hell is that? 11? 10? Just tell me the damn number, Not Drew, there’s hardly an infinite amount of possibilities of what “nearly a dozen” means, it’s either 12 or it’s not!

A final testimonial comes to us from Frank Williams, who looks like Guile from Street Fighter in 30 years or so. Frank realised that when he retired, he wouldn’t have quite the same money making opportunities as when he was gainfully employed. Okay, he only figured this out AFTER he had been retired for some time but the point is he got there in the end and it’s not like it was a race or anything anyway so lay off him, all right!?

Can you imagine trying to sell dozens of these? How about half a dozen? One? Me neither.

Frank explains that he’s not a people person, but he lays his products out on the street (in between street fighting, I presume) and they sell themselves. Score one for sentient wooden birdhouses earning you profits while you throw sonic booms all over the place.

We finally near the end of this drek by returning to Not Drew Carey who offers up this zen line “If you never change what you do, nothing will ever change.” Which is a crock of shit but it would make a good wall scroll. Hell, SMC probably sell them to you and tell you you’ll be making 300% profit on each one you sell!

Not Drew implores me to start making a better life for me (and my family but, frankly, nuts to them) and so I do, by switching off. Wow, thanks! I feel better already! Aw, there’s more? Dang. ANOTHER testimonial comes on from one Faye Galbreath. Faye Is-that-a-real-last-name-seriously sells her stuff at parties, apparently and I’m still not sure how that works. HAI COME TO MY PARTY AND LET ME SELL YOU KNICK-KNACKS FOR 300% MORE THAN THE WHOLESALE COST THX THERE IS NO FOOD

Oh god, there’s more testimonials. They just keep coming. Linda and Chuck Nichols, they sell their wares at flea markets. They make $2,000 a day, which sounds impressive but they reveal they only do this two days a year, at the big flea markets. I know $4,000 is nothing to be sneezed at, but it’s not a good annual income. Chuck then says he plans to make $20,000 a year which I’d like to see considering he only works two days a year and has an awful baseball cap.

A note for future carvers; Ducks do not have corners

We’re back to Not Drew and oh please, please let this end. He tells us someone just like you was watching this, then they made a phone call and now have posted one of several hundred angry rants about SMC’s shoddy business practices and the like on infomercial watchdog websites are rich beyond their wildest dreams. Not Drew tells us it wasn’t the lottery or magic that made these people rich, pissing off state government and Miss Cleo before passing us off to Kerry Cox AGAIN!

Kerry tells us about how they’ve really “fleshed out” their internet marketing program. The internet, apparently, is the “new frontier for marketers.” Just to remind you all, this IS still 2009 and you haven’t fallen into a wormhole to 1996. Kerry tells us that even the lone operator working out of their apartment has “every bit as much of a chance as the big guy when you’re on the internet.” It’s like he’s never even SEEN the internet!

We finally wrap things up with a slew of 10-second testimonials that just throw a bunch of numbers at you and are designed to have your greed overwhelm your judgement and to make that all important, no obligation phone call as soon as possible. Not Drew Carey appears one more time to tell us to take action, to work hard and make a better life for ourselves and our children, to live the American Dream. By working two hours a day selling trinkets at ghastly inflated prices.

What happened to the American Dream? You're living in it!

Now that’s symbolism for you.